Ashley's Atrium

BOOFest!…What a Nightmare!

2011-10-06T20:22:00.000-07:00

First a little background information, for those of you who don’t know. I used to be pretty involved in the virtual world called Second Life, which is basically like the real world, but online. You interact with other people via avatars, (my avatar’s name is Lilia Quinnell), and you can do pretty much anything you can in the real world, but so much more. One thing I really got into, which became a great love and passion of mine was storytelling.

I was a storyteller at a library in Second Life called the West of Ireland Library. Storytellers there would read stories in voice, and real people would come and listen to us. One of the best parts is that people would donate real money to us, which we in turn donated to a charity called Project Children, which was a charity that helped children in Ireland learn how to live together in peace despite differences.

Anyway, because of some problems I was having with some people in Second Life, as well as some personal problems I was having IRL (In Real Life), I decided to take a hiatus from Second Life. So I took a break for about a year and a half. During that time, the one thing I missed the most other than my friends in SL was storytelling. So about a month ago, I decided I was going to go back to Second Life, and try to become a storyteller once again.

Now my first go-round as a storyteller was wrought with problems. Some of them were my own fault, some of them were just life getting in the way. This time, I was determined, was going to be different. So I got back in touch with the storytellers from the West of Ireland Library, which had now become the Seanchai Library. Also different was that instead of benefitting just one charity, the Seanchai Library benefits a new charity every month (so awesome!).

The people in charge of the Library were understandably hesitant at letting me come back as a storyteller, because of all the problems that had occurred the first time around. I could hardly blame them. But I assured them, and myself, that this time would be different. And though this time around, there would be problems, how I handled them would be very different.

They scheduled me to take part in a group reading of scary stories to start out October, an event called BOOFest! I was very excited, as horror has always been one of my favorite genres, especially to tell aloud. So I started prepping.

I spent hour upon hour, pouring over books of short stories, trying to find just the right one for my audience. I finally decided on “The Mournful Cry of Owls” by Christopher Golden, which I had read last year in the book “Many Bloody Returns” which is edited by Charlaine Harris, writer of the famous Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood) vampire novels. Once I had my story, I started practicing reading it. I read it to myself out loud, and I even recorded it on my computer to make sure that it sounded good. I knew that I was going to be great this time!

When I had the story down perfect, I started on the other aspects of the reading. I found the perfect costume for my avatar, Lilia, to wear. A dark outfit, of course, to fit the mood. A black-lace corseted top, outlined in jewels, with matching fishnet and lace thigh-high stockings, which were held up with a black-jeweled garter belt. On her feet were knee-high black leather high-heeled boots. Tied around Lilia’s waist to form a skirt were old rags of damask-patterned dark velvet in shades of black. Arm-length gloves in fishnet and lace to match the stockings were held in place with more velvet rags. Black feathers were tucked in around the waist and arm bands. Around her neck, a black ribbon choker from which hung a single black feather to lie upon her décolleté. Lilia looked perfect!

When I had my avatar looking great, I moved onto the scenery. It had been a while since I had built anything in Second Life, so it took me a lot longer than it used to, to create the scenery I was building. I spent hours searching through my inventory, finding just the right props to go with what I had created. When I was finished I had created a floor and background that looked like a “haunted” forest. I found a few spooky looking trees in my inventory, so I put them out. Then I found a great bench to place beneath the trees, for my avatar to sit on while telling the stories. Then, for my pièce de résistance, I created a cute, yet slightly spooky owl, to perch in the trees above Lilia’s head. It took a while to make, but in the end, it looked great, and really fit the scene.

There were other odds and ends I had to finish up. Caledonia, the storyteller that was running BOOFest, had asked for a few things. One of the things that I took a while was a headshot photograph. Caledonia asked for a headshot of Lilia to post on the Library’s blog, as all the photos she (and I) had of Lilia were old. So I had to find a photography place in SL, and then me being the perfectionist I am, it took me a while to get the perfect photo. Once that was done, I got it, as well as all the information Caledonia had asked for sent off, and I was good to go, with plenty of time to spare.

Caledonia scheduled me for 3PM on Sunday, October 2, 2011. Unfortunately, this interfered with my church schedule, and I informed Caledonia of such. I didn’t hear back from her though, so I figured I’d just have to leave church early. (It wasn’t until later that I realized that it was General conference weekend, so I’d just have to miss a bit of the Sunday afternoon session.)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

In the meantime, my friend Andrew from Washington was staying with my family and I, and so of course I had to attend to him as well. Unfortunately Andrew has really bad allergies, and when he got to Utah, they hit him hard. It seems that he’s deathly allergic to something we have here, and it didn’t help that during the week he was here that the pollen counts were off the charts. As it turned out, he must have been carrying some sort of dormant virus or bacteria, and with his immune system being weakened from his allergies, the illness (we now refer to it as the “black death”) attacked.

It started out with a sore throat, and then attacked his sinuses. I’ve never seen so much sinus discharge (sorry to be gross, but yes, it was disgusting). Then it was in his lungs, and turned into a cough. At one point he couldn’t hear out of one of his ears. The poor guy was in misery.

Not only was I worried about Andrew, but I was worried about my family and I as well. I didn’t want any of us to get sick. I tried to take precautions, but in the end, it was all for not. Whatever this illness was, it was highly contagious. First my brother got it. Then the next day, despite all my precautions, I came down with the “black death”. I was horrified. Here I was, less than 3 days before my grand return to storytelling, and I was sick in bed. I felt absolutely awful. The Black Death hit me HARD. I could barely crawl out of bed to get food, or use the restroom. I didn’t know how I was going to be able to read a story out loud, when every time I tried to talk I would go into a fit of coughing. I think it hit me a bit harder because of my asthma, which acts up when I’m sick. Ugh. I was in trouble. But I was determined not to bail out of storytelling like I had in the past. So I stayed in bed, rested, and tried to get better.

In the meantime, Andrew went home (though his eardrums almost burst on the plane, causing him horrible amounts of pain, and causing him to throw up a couple of times, poor guy), and then my mom got sick as well.

Now BOOFest! was supposed to last two days, Saturday, October 1, through Sunday, October 2, 2011. I was scheduled to read at 3PM on Sunday the 2nd. When Saturday rolled around, I was still half-dead, but half awake and watching LDS General Conference (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) on TV. It was about 2:50PM, and suddenly I got the feeling that I should go check on things for tomorrows reading. So I turned on my computer, and went to the website that had our story times listed (http://storyfestsl2011.blogspot.com/), and I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was my avatars name, but instead of having my story time as being listed for Sunday at 3PM, it was listed for SATURDAY at 3PM, which was in exactly 3 minutes.
I sat there for a moment, dumbfounded. Why was this happening to me? Why did these things ALWAYS happen to ME? So I logged into Second Life as fast as I could. Then I realized that I still had my headset hooked up to my computer, the headset that had been having issues. I had planned on borrowing my brothers headset for the storytelling, and would have had it ready beforehand, but didn’t now. So I hurried and IM’d Caledonia, informed her that I was having sound issues and asked her to cover for me for 5 minutes. She said, “Okay, we’ll cover for you for 5 minutes, but then we’re going to move on. I wish you would have logged in earlier and worked this out.” Boy how I wanted to say, “no, duh!” But instead I ran to my brothers room, unplugged his headset, ran upstairs to grab a drink and a new box of tissues, because I knew I wouldn’t make it through the hour without them, then ran back to my room and my waiting computer. At this point I was completely out of breath, shaking violently, and almost in tears from what was going on.

Meanwhile, while writing this blog…my room, and the room next to mine flooded. I’ll post another blog entry about that. Ugh…one nightmare after another…will my bad luck never end? But to continue with my BOOFest! Nightmare…

My avatar was still dressed in normal clothing, so I tried to quickly change her into her costume as I was teleporting to the storytelling venue. (I wouldn’t know until after the reading that I would screw that up royally.) I knew I wouldn’t have time to set up the set I had planned for the reading, so I quickly scrapped that idea.

As my avatar arrived at the venue, I could hear someone talking, but I figured I should see if my headset worked. I turned my voice on, and asked if anyone could hear me. At first, no one answered. Finally, I realized I was disrupting a story that someone was telling to cover my butt, and just as I shut up, Derry, the head librarian came on over voice and said that I could be heard, but asked the current storyteller to continue. I apologized for the interruption, and also asked the current storyteller (I don’t even know who it was, that’s how out of it I was), to please continue, and that I was sorry for the interruption. In the meantime, I tried to catch my breath, and prayed that the current storyteller would be long-winded. He wasn’t. Before I knew it, he was finished, and the stage was mine.

My heartbeat tripled, the violent shaking increased ten-fold, and what I thought of as not being able to catch my breath before was breathing easy compared to what I felt now. I started to mumble some sort of introduction about my story, introducing it from the book edited by Charlaine Harris, and muttering something about her, and the True Blood series. I really don’t know what all I said. Then I shakily opened my book and started to read from “The Mournful Cry of Owls” by Christopher Golden.

I gasped out about 3 paragraphs, noticing as I did so that I was getting an ear and window full of IM’s, and knowing that as I did so exactly what they would say (telling me to relax, asking what was wrong with me, etc.). As I struggled on, a kind voice came on over my headset, calling me by my avatar’s name, “Lilia, Lilia, relax, relax…you’re a good storyteller…take a minute, breathe, catch your breath.” My savior, Derry, the head librarian at the Seanchai Library. “Thank you, Derry,” I sputtered, “I just need a minute to catch my breath…I’m sick, and I didn’t know that my reading time was today, and I just found out.” I tried to explain what was going on, and she just kindly encouraged me to take a deep breath, and take a minute to recover, which I did.

I turned off my microphone, closed my eyes, and just breathed. In chat people were typing kind words of encouragement to me, which really helped. They were all saying that they all needed a break after a long day of storytelling anyway, so they all too a few minutes break as well.

After a few minutes recovery time, my heartbeat slowed, as did my breathing, and my thought process. I knew I could do this. I just needed to relax, and focus. I turned my microphone back on, apologized for the delays, and thanked everyone for waiting.

I opened my book once again and took my listeners with me on a journey along with Danika Ristani, a newly turned 16 year old girl who would find out that she was something more, something darker than she thought she was.

In the end , though my voice sounded stuffy, and I had to take moments to blow my nose, I think that my reading went pretty well considering all the problems at the beginning. I didn’t get to display the scenery that I created, nor the pretty costumery that I had found (I realized afterwards that I had left a t-shirt on my avatar that said Woot! across the front of it, and that it looked completely stupid with the rest of the costume), but in the end I was proud of myself for enduring through to the end, for not giving up, or just not showing up (as I probably previously would have), but in toughing it out, and doing the best that I could. Now if I can tough out this whole flood business, I’ll be set…

Lonely

2010-12-13T23:09:00.001-08:00

Ugh...going through some really tough stuff right now. 2010 has officially been one of the worst (if not the worst) years of my life. I'm glad it's nearly over.

Friends keep disappearing off of my Facebook friends list. Is this happening to anyone else? Is it a Facebook glitch, or am I really losing my friends one by one? Perhaps I'm just being paranoid. I hope so.

I'm in desperate need of friends right now, and over the past year-and-a-half I seem to have lost my closest friends one by one. I guess it's a true test of friendship when you see who sticks around during the hard times. I feel so much sorrow over the friends that I have recently lost, because they were the ones I thought (and hoped) would be there through thick and thin. I'm tired of being the one that stands behind my friends, especially when they need it most, only to be dumped when the tables are turned and I'm the one in need.

Or, as the case is recently, having not stuck by me during my times of need, then betraying my trust and our friendship time and time again until I seriously question my sanity at having let such a so-called "friendship" go on for so long. I question my motives for having stuck it out this long. Do I stand beside this friend on principle, because that's what friends are supposed to do? Do I stand beside this friend because that's what Christ would do? Do I stand beside her out of habit, because I always have? Or are my motives selfish ones? Do I stand beside her because she's the only one that always comes back? Because she's the only one that will put up with me and all the baggage I come with?

If I stand by such a friend, what price will I pay? The consequences to myself, my family, and those around me could be dire. Is such a friend, or friendship, worth it? She has collected her 10 pieces of silver many times over; if I walk away now, will I be guilty of the same?

Do I give her my love, my blessing, my best wishes, and walk away? Do I do and say nothing, as she has done to me? Do I wait, bide my time, and react only when she acts? This last is what I have been doing. Waiting. It's been over a month now...she's had plenty of time to contact me, but has not. I decided a month ago that I would wait and see what her actions would be, and then I would decide what to do. Now that she has not acted one way or another, what do I do? Do I just wait here, in limbo?

I feel so lost, so alone; so friendless. Is this my own fault? Perhaps. Is it because the people of the world (or at least those whom I come in contact with) have lost the ability to be a true friend? I don't know. Either way, the result is the same; I wallow in my sorrow, minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month, and now, year after year, as the world, and all those I once called 'friend' pass me by.

Decompression Methods & Looking for a Home

2010-09-13T03:41:00.000-07:00

Still decompressing from Burning Man...resting (I way over did it at BM), but I've been rather restless, so I decided to make some fabric flowers. I found a great tutorial for them here:

http://heyjenrenee.blogspot.com/2010/03/fabric-flower-tutorial.html

I'm making red and denim flowers right now, all made from cut-off pants. The denim is from a pair of jeans that I made into cutoff shorts, and the red flowers are from a jersey-knit pair of pajama pants that I cut off to make yoga-like pants. The flowers are turning out so cute! I've kinda done my own thing and sewed and arranged the flowers a bit differently than in the tutorial. I think that mine turned out super cute. I'll post pics when I'm done with them.

Next I'd like to try these rolled fabric flowers:

http://mysparkle.blogspot.com/2010/02/how-to-rolled-flowers.html

The rolled fabric flowers look a little more difficult, but they shouldn't be too hard to make. Though I might have to get out of bed to make the rolled flowers. If I don't, I'll end up with glue all over my bed (which is already filled with tiny fabric scraps). I don't know why, but all my life, if I'm creating artwork or crafts, I always make such a mess. Whether it be paint all over my body (I seriously don't know how it gets some places...lol), or glitter or beads littered throughout the house, I just can't help but make a mess when I'm creating something.

Ahh...well, I've been up all night, and it's now 5:30ish AM, and I'm drifting off to sleep. I'd be asleep already, but my thumb is killing me (part of the nail came off...I'll explain later). It's throbbing...*cries* I'm going to go wash it out good (it's totally infected), and bandage it up. Hopefully I can get into a dermatologist soon to see if there's anything they can do for me. I just hope that my thumb nail, or thumb itself isn't messed up. *sigh* It probably will be. The same thing has happened to my big toes, and they're all jacked up now (stupid podiatrists screwed up). Okay I'm going to stop thinking about it now, because focusing on it makes it hurt even worse.

Anyway, one of these days I'm going to write out my stories from Burning Man 2010. I have so much to write about! I took tons of pics too! I need to write down a bit of an outline of the stories, while they're still fresh in my memory. I don't think I'll have the time or effort to sit down and write it all out right now, because I'm going to be too busy packing to move.

Speaking of moving, we still don't know where we're moving to. We're desperately trying to find a rental that will accommodate our needs and fits within our budget. Easier said than done! I'm so sick of doing this...trying to find a place to live, never having anything stable, having to pack, unpack, etc.

This last move I didn't even unpack most of my boxes. I knew that we were going to be here less than a year. (We're living in the home of a missionary couple while they're serving their mission in California. They'll be home sometime at the beginning of October, so we've got to be out before then. Ugh I just hope we don't have to help put their house back together the way they had it. When their kids (all adults) move all of their things into the basement and extra bedrooms, they just sort of threw everything in with no rhyme or reason, they just stacked and stacked and it was so unorganized and awful. My mom and I sort of organized the basement so that I could set up a craft room (which I never finished...*sigh*). Ah well, c'est la vie. But in the meantime, we need to find a house! If anyone knows of a nice rental home, preferably in the Davis County area, that has at least 3 bedrooms (and an office or extra bedroom), for around $1k-$1300 a month, then let me know!

Alright, I keep falling asleep and typing gibberish. It's rather funny, actually. lol. Anyway, thanks for reading. I hope all is well with you.

Much Love,
-Ash

10 Year High School Runion

2010-07-10T11:39:00.000-07:00

Wow...so my 10 year high school reunion is coming up. So crazy...I can't believe it's been 10 years! I feel old. lol. I was hesitant to attend the reunion. I didn't go to the 5 year reunion, but I heard that not many people did. With the 10 year reunion coming up I've been thinking so much about the things I went through in high school, and the things I've gone through since leaving high school. I've been through so very much since high school, but I've accomplished so little. I look at the social networking site pages of my peers and see what they're doing with their lives. So many people are living my dreams of having a spouse, a home, children, and a career. 10 years ago that's where I thought I'd be too! My how things change. I can only hope that the next 10 years will be better. I hope that by the time my 25th high school reunion comes up that I will have pictures posted of my family and I...a husband, children, a home, and hopefully I'll be a working artist, helping to support my family and doing what I love at the same time. Ahh...dreams. Some dreams come true; I hope mine will.

Anyway, I actually didn't go to BHS very long, only 1 semester; then I transferred to Salt Lake Community College. But I do know a lot of people from my class. I grew up with so many of them, and attended both elementary school and junior high with them. I've been hesitant about attending the reunion.
My school years were absolutely miserable for me. I was an outcast, always the one that got teased. I had few friends. I did terrible in school as far as grades went; I was bored because the things they taught weren’t anything new to me. I've always done much better learning on my own. I also got screwed by the public school system because of my disabilities; they never cared, they just brushed me aside. I fell through the cracks, and no one noticed. I had to stop going to school because of my back, and at first they had me on "home hospital" schooling, but that was a complete joke. It was back before the days where you could do schoolwork online. Once a week a teacher would come to my house and drop off a stack of homework to do. I tried to do the work at first, but I just couldn't do it. (This was back before I was diagnosed with ADD and medicated for it.) Usually I just put the homework all in a pile, never did it, and never turned it in.

Luckily I was able to get into SLCC when I was 16 or 17. I did so much better in college than I did in my previous schooling experiences. I absolutely loved it, but unfortunately traumas in my life forced me to drop out before I could complete my degree. The biggest problem was my back. At that point in time I refused to take narcotics to relieve the pain; I was too afraid of addiction, and rightly so. A lot of other things happened all at once, so I stopped going to school; figuring I'd return after things calmed down. Nine years later, I still haven't made it back to college. I long to go back. I yearn to complete what I started. I so want to be able to have a degree and work in the field I love (visual art).
Back to my reunion...I finally decided that I will attend the reunion. I bought my ticket for it today. I wish I had a reason to choose the option to buy 2 tickets, the ones for couples. But no, I had reason to only buy a single ticket. I'm crossing my fingers that for the next reunion, should I choose to attend, that I'll have reason to buy 2 tickets.

As I said, I've been hesitant to attend my high school reunion. I don't really know why I'm going, I just have the urge to. I even volunteered to be on the reunion committee (what was I thinking?!). They want me to put together a slide show of pictures of classmates from high school and pictures from the present. Sounds like a lot of work, but it might be fun. I just have to find a projector and a laptop to do it with, because I have neither. Maybe I want to see the people that were so mean to me, see that they're not better than me, and prove to them that I turned out great (or at least appear to have).

But really, though I've had a pretty miserable life during the past decade, I'm proud of how I turned out. Most people wouldn't have turned out so well if they'd gone through what I have. I've experienced more of life in the past 10 years than most people will in their entire lifetime. Having gone through so much has given me knowledge, wisdom, strength. It has taught me survival. It has taught me love, heartbreak, tragedy, and happiness. The strongest metals are forged in the hottest fires; the fires I've been through. I'll admit that I'm just about as screwed up as a person can get, but I've learned to love who I am. I still have problems with low self-esteem, but daily my confidence in myself increases. Maybe the reason I'm going to attend my reunion is so that I can prove to myself that I can do it, and that I can survive. Or…maybe…just maybe…I’ll meet some handsome classmate, we’ll fall in love, and live happily ever after…hahaha…well, a girl can dream!

Anyway, I'm rambling on and on (I tend to do that much too often), so I'll be done for now. Wish me luck that my reunion will go well!

Afraid for a Friend

2010-05-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

AHHHHHHHHH!!! So I’m freaking out here. I know I haven’t written in a while, well, I have written a few times since I last posted, but I haven’t posted what I’ve written. I don’t know why I didn’t post those entries, I just didn’t. Well, I do know, sort of. I’ve been having these issues with writing lately. Well, I’ve been having issues with everything lately, but let’s just focus on the writing. My therapist says that it’s “dread”. Every time I go to get on my computer, this overwhelming wave of dread hits me, and I don’t get on. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I think it may have to do with my medication. I finally stood up to my psychiatrist (my psychiatrist and therapist are two different people; I love my therapist, can’t stand my psychiatrist), and told him that I was tired of him putting me on more and more medications that aren’t working, and said that I want to go off of what he had me on (Cymbalta, Triavil, and Lamictal), and go back to something that worked for me years ago; Zoloft. The thing is, Zoloft stopped working for me a few years ago (which happens with anti-depressants; they work only for so long and then gradually the body builds up a resistance to it for some reason). Well, no one told me that after being off an anti-depressant for a few years it may start to work if taken again. Why didn’t anyone tell me this?! Stupid doctors!

So I finally asked my psychiatrist if I could go back on a medication that had stopped working, and asked if it would work again. He said yes that it may. (Grr.) So I said I wanted to try that. So for the past couple of weeks I’ve basically been in detox from all the meds (that I listed above) that he had me on. Now I’ve been through switching meds before, but it’s never been this awful, or this drawn-out. It’s literally made me insane (or more so). I feel bad for everyone that’s been around me for the past few weeks. I know that I’m hard to deal with normally, but I’m sure that for the past few weeks that I’ve been like handling a living time-bomb. I’ve been trying to warn everyone to stay away from me (especially my mom), but no one seems to want to listen. *sigh* So that’s caused a lot of arguments/fights, which is always oh-so-much fun.

I’ve started on Zoloft as of two days ago, and things are already MUCH better. Maybe it’s just my mind fooling me into thinking that the Zoloft is so much better, but I don’t really care at this point; I’m just glad I don’t feel as miserable as I have for the past few weeks.

That brings me back to my point (yes, I do have a point…sometimes), the reason for me writing today. I logged on MSN Messenger today, and my friend Trish (one of my best friends) had the messenger status of, “Time together is just never quite enough when you and I are alone I’ve never felt so at home <3”. So I IMd her and asked her if she is dating someone. At first she said no, and then she said something like, “Well nevermind, I am close to someone.” I said cool, and asked who. She said, “Do you remember Shay?” My heart dropped. I started freaking out. The thing is, I had been thinking a lot about “Shay” lately. I didn’t know why until now. I sometimes have a “sixth sense” about things, and this is proving to be one of those times.

The thing about Shay (real name Sarah) is that she is one of the most wicked, evil people I’ve ever met. I’m ashamed to say that even knowing that, I still allowed her into my life as a friend. I learned the hard way that Sarah doesn’t have friends; she has minions. Pawns. She just uses people for her own wants, abuses them, then spits them out when she’s finished with them. There just aren’t enough words to explain what a terrible person Sarah is. The best way to describe Sarah is as a “perfect politician”. If you add up all the corrupt political attributes of politicians, you have Sarah’s personality. And now she’s “dating” one of my best friends.

The stupid part is, they’ve never even met each other in person. The worst part is, I introduced them. The way I met Sarah is via one of those stupid virtual worlds (I’m not going to name it, because I don’t want to be responsible for anyone else ending up in that awful place). I thought she was pretty cool at first because she spoke her mind and stood up for her beliefs, and I respected that. However, I soon saw the real Sarah. I’m ashamed to say that not only did I put up with what she did and said, I sometimes participated in it. I’m disgusted with myself for being part of manipulating people, or otherwise treating people poorly. I soon grew to dislike Sarah. Then I did something even worse, instead of just not associating with her anymore, I stuck to the old adage of “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer”. So I kept Sarah close. Then, I started to use her. I guess I didn’t feel bad doing it because she did it to everyone around her. I let her believe that I was one of her minions, all while manipulating her for my own needs. I look back at the things I did and I want to vomit. I became all the things I hated about Sarah.

Now in this virtual world we played this “game”. We were all vampires, and we “lived” in the virtual world as vampires, biting people, gaining vampire minions, etc. In the vampire clan we were in was ran by a monarchy. There was a king and queen, and other various royalty. Then there was the “council”. The council basically ran everything. Well a bunch of stuff happened (there was ALWAYS some sort of drama going on in the clan, and throughout the virtual world in general), and Sarah ended up as president of the council. Once again I manipulated her, and others, and got myself elected as vice president. From there, we controlled everything. The irony was that though “Shay” thought she was using me as her pawn to do her bidding, I was the one doing the controlling. I got her to do everything I wanted her to do. I let this go on for months. I guess I figured that it wasn’t the “real” world, so I could do and say what I wanted there, and there wouldn’t be any repercussion. Boy was I wrong! I’m so ashamed of the things I did. The thing is, with every horrible thing I did, Sarah did things that were a hundred times worse. But I just let it slide. I turned a blind eye towards it. I still can’t believe the things I put up with.

Then, in December, things in my real life came crashing down, and I ended up in the hospital. I got many letters, emails, notes, etc. from various friends and family sending me well wishes and such. Then, I got this email from dear Sarah:

“Can you please pass a message to Ashley for me?

First- I hope you are doing well, and that you get better soon :-) Also, remember all of us are pulling for you.

Second- Sandy and I are moving to another SIM, so the stuff I can take (of yours) I will, and put it all in a folder labeled 'Lilia's Stuff' so it doesn't get Lost in your inventory.

Third- I will find a replacement for the VP slot, mainly because I have to get things going again, you will still be in council, I just need to make sure Continuity is in place at all times.

Feel Better-

~Shay”

So basically she stole all my stuff in the virtual world (stuff that cost real money, by the way), and then instead of doing the right thing and holding my position of vice president for me, she just threw me under the bus. As I said, that’s what she does. She uses people until they are no longer useful to her, and then she spits them out.

I was absolutely disgusted with her pretended concern and thoughtfulness in the letter. Typical politics with her. It kind of blindsided me. I was shocked that she would have the gall to kick me while I was down. Me who despite my dislike of her had always treated her well, always been a good friend to her, who had always been there for her, and she kicks me when I’m down.

The thing is, it turns out that she did me a HUGE favor. She got me to reevaluate my participation in the virtual world, and I decided that I hated who I had become there. So I left. But before I left, I exposed her for the fraud she was…I handed over proof of her manipulation to someone I trusted. The thing is, the person I gave the information to was one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, and so of course he didn’t use it against her, and even let it slide. But I decided that I wasn’t going to waste any more of my life and time with her, or the virtual world. So I left, and never looked back.

That is, until now. I logged back in today. I feel sickened for doing so. So I just logged out. I thought that maybe I should get involved in that world again so that I could protect Trish. But if I do that, I know I’ll just fall back into those manipulative behaviors that I so despise. So I’m going to try my best to stay away, to let Trish make her own mistakes, and learn her own lessons. Trish is one of the most stubborn people I know (almost as stubborn as me! Lol), and I know that if I try to push her away from Sarah that it will just push them closer. Gah, I just don’t know what to do! Should I just stay out of it? Should I just let one of my best friends get hurt by one of the most truly evil people I’ve ever met? What should I do?! I think I may have done too much as it is already. I told Trish how I felt about her dating Sarah, and I think that upset her. My bad. I think I did exactly the opposite of what I wanted; instead of letting Trish know that I’m concerned for her well being, I think I just offended her and pushed her away from me, and towards Sarah.

Ugh…so many things running through my head. I wonder if I should tell Morgane (Trish’s ex and another of my best friends) about this, or if I should leave her out of it?

I also just noticed that Sarah removed me as a friend on Facebook. Could it be because I just stopped talking to her, and she couldn’t stand to be out of the spotlight? Or could it be that she disliked what I write on Facebook? I know she hates everything about my thoughts and beliefs. They’re exactly opposite of her own beliefs (she’s a left-wing ultra liberal lesbian atheist and I’m a right-winged ultra conservative Mormon), and I don’t think she can handle hearing the truth from me. Either way, it’s curious that she removed me as a friend. Though I kept my enemy close in her case, it’s not something I do with anyone else. But with Sarah, she does that with everyone, which is why I’m surprised she removed me from her friends list removing me from being “close”. Now how will she keep an eye on someone she despises?

So I did something stupid…I added Sarah as a friend on Facebook again. Should I wait and see what happens? Should I try to be friends with her, or at least be civil with her since she’s “dating” one of my friends? Should I just let it be and ignore her? Should I remove her as a friend if she accepts the friend request? Ugh, I don’t know what to do! So frustrating!

The Queen's Quill

2010-02-25T17:43:00.000-08:00

Hi! So, it’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve actually been busy-ish. I mean, busy for me; which is actually a good thing. Too often in my life I’ve done almost nothing. Especially over the past five years since my last back surgery. At first it was because I spent the first 6 months after surgery lying in bed. After that the only time I could go out for the next six months were things like going to the grocery store with my mom, because I could use one of the little motorized carts to drive around in. Other than that it was being pushed around in a wheelchair for that year.Now with that year, doing things and keeping busy wasn’t really an option. The only way I got through it was because I was so doped up on painkillers that honestly, I don’t even remember most of that year. That is probably a good thing, or I would have gone insane.

After that first year, when I was in recovery from my back surgery, I just sort of lost myself. I would try to do “normal” things, try to be busy with life. That would work okay for a while, but then I’d go back into sleeping all day, or lying in bed all day, or just doing nothing. During the recovery time, that was okay. The problem was, after I was healed, or mostly healed, I stayed in that zone of doing nothing. I think there were a lot of reasons behind that. Not only was it just habit because of having been immobile for so long, but it also became about me hiding. I still had so much emotional hurt and pain in addition to the physical pain, and the easy way out became to hide.

Of course there were times that I didn’t hide. I actually held down a couple of full time jobs in those years. Those jobs didn’t last very long though. The first time was in 2006 when I worked for Cisco, but only did so for a few months. The reason I quit was because my family had been planning a trip to Canada to see where my brother served his LDS mission, and to meet the people he served there. It was very important that I go on that trip, so before I was even hired, I made sure that a stipulation of my employment would be that I be allowed time off for that

trip.Well, when the time came to leave, my boss told me that we were too busy, and there was absolutely no way he would let me take the time off. I explained how stupid that reasoning was, because I was going regardless of the consequences at work, so he might as well keep my employment on hold until I got back instead of me resigning and Cisco having to hire someone new and pay for all new training. I mean, that’s just logic! But he didn’t get it (he was an asshole anyway who later ended up in prison for child pornography). So I tendered my resignation and left that job. After I got back from the trip to Canada, I just didn’t get another job. I don’t remember my mindset exactly, but I’m sure it was just easier not to get a job, to go back into hiding; which is exactly what I did.

In 2007 I got a job with Dell. I was there for all of six weeks. I could have done really well with that job. I was making more than I had ever made before, and I was great at what I did. I didn’t exactly love the job, but it was a job, and a means to an end. If nothing else, it was a paycheck.That all came crashing down. Everything was pulled out from under me. I and two other women in the training class had been being sexually harassed by a disgusting older man in the class. We complained time and time a

gain to our trainers, and when nothing was done, we went over his head. Still, nothing happened. That is, until they threatened myself and the other two women with our jobs if we didn’t stop rocking the boat, as it were. That silenced the other two women, but not me. I mean, I understand that they needed their jobs and their paychecks, but at what cost? Selling your soul? I have morals, standards, and principles that I will defend to the death if needs be. Anyway, I wouldn’t keep quiet, so they fired me. Yes, I got fired for being sexually harassed. That’s justice, eh? Anyway, long story short, I had a huge lawsuit against the company, let alone the man that was sexually harassing myself and the other women. I was actually working with the office of the Attorney General of Utah, the problem was that going through with the lawsuit would take a lot of time, effort, and money. I had the time, but I didn’t have the effort or money to continue with it. So I had to drop it. The only thing that comforted me was that I knew they’d all get theirs. Not only in Karma, but someday God would take care of it. So I turned it over to Him.

After that I was just broken. Here I had put so very much into succeeding, only to have the rug pulled out from beneath me. I was angry, hurt, and overall depressed. I sank back into the pit of despair I’ve so often found myself in. The problem was, this time I didn’t bounce back. I just sank deeper and deeper. Of course some good things happened in my life, but they were overwhelmed drastically by the bad things. So once again I hid, and have been hiding ever since. However, things are starting to change. I have my ups and downs. It seems at times that the bad still greatly outweighs the goods, but I’m working on changing that. Even though it seems like every step that I take forward I end up taking 10 steps back, I’m still taking steps, and that’s a start.

I noticed the other day that almost everything I write about in my blog is sad and depressing. I think that’s because I use my writing as an outlet; to let things out that I otherwise would keep bottled up inside. The things I feel like I need to get out most are the negative things. I talked to my therapist about this very thing, and she said that even though writing about the bad things is good, that I need to stop focusing on just the bad things. I need to focus (and write about) the good things too. So that’s my goal in my writing, is to write about good things in addition to the bad.

One good thing that I want to start writing about are my passions in arts and crafts. I absolutely LOVE arts and crafts, and want to share that love with others. I’m working on starting a

business to sell my artwork and artisan crafts, and think it would be fun to write about those things too. So I’m going to write about that. Not only am I going to write about what I create, or what I have for sale, but I’m also going to do things like write tutorials and such. I’m even working on one right now; a tutorial on creating a greeting card. I’ve had to wait to do this (and to start my business) because I haven’t had a good enough camera to use to take pictures of my work. Now I do, so here I go! I’m sooo excited. I’m delighted to actually be doing something. Not only to be creating, but to have something to be proud of.

So I’m going to create a separate blog for my arts and crafts. It’s going to be named after my Esty shop; The Queen’s Quill. The URL for The Queen’s Quill blog is: http://www.thequeensquill.blogspot.com . I hope you’ll check it out, and find it fun and useful. I would definitely love and appreciate any feedback you could offer on it! I’d love suggestions, comments, criticisms, etc. Most of all, I hope you enjoy it!

See you soon,

Ashley

OF THE DAY

Mood of the Day: Tired

Word of the Day: Levity

lev·i·ty

[lev-i-tee]–noun,plural-ties.

lightness of mind, character, or behavior; lack of appropriate seriousness or earnestness.

an instance or exhibition of this.

fickleness.

lightness in weight.

Quote of the Day: "Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies." -Demetri Martin

Emotions and Poetry

2010-02-02T23:30:00.000-08:00

I’m trying not to cry. I’ve been trying not to cry for hours. I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of feeling so distant from my family. We just don’t understand each other. We don’t get along. I feel like they’re all against me. I’ve always been the bad one. I’ve always been the one that isn’t good enough. I’ve always been the one that does everything wrong. I don’t think I can survive here much longer.

Shit, here come the tears. I’m just so weary. So tired of this. What can I do? I feel so helpless; I feel so alone. What can I do? What way out do I have? God, I need a Xanax. I’m so tempted to take one. It’s very dangerous to take Xanax and drugs like Xanax when I’m on the meds I’m on. The question is, do I care? Right now I’d do just about anything to relieve this pain.

The tears stream down my cheeks. My mom would call these “crocodile tears”. I want my mommy. But she’s so against me right now. Everything I do is wrong in her eyes.

I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t need the approval of my family anymore. I’m trying to convince myself that their way of thinking is faulty. That they’re the ones that are toxic. My family says it’s me, that I’m the one that’s crazy and that I’m the one with a skewed way of thinking. But when I tell my therapists, or my psychiatrists (yes I have multiple of each) about what goes on, about what I think, they awknowledge that yes, I am mentally ill, but that it’s most likely caused by things that happened to me during my childhood. Caused by my environment, the environment I’m still stuck in.

…

So I walked away for a while. I’m much more calm now. I’ve been looking at some artwork (I discovered a great artisan named Kel Flowers [what a fabulous name! I’m jealous] whose custom made books are amazing), and reading some poetry, and, well, I feel better.

I think maybe my emotions are running wild because of my hormones. It’s “that time of month,” and I think that could be causing my roller-coaster emotional state as well as my severe back pain. Ah, the joys of being a woman. (I’m sure you’re dying to hear about my feminine health issues…if it bugs you, skip the next paragraph. [and perhaps grow up a bit. Hahah…totally kidding!].)

The problem with my periods are many. First of all, they’ve never been regular. I guess in a way that’s kind of a double-edged sword. On one hand it’s kinda nice to have only a few periods a year. Also, I get PMS about a week before my period which includes debilitating back pain (as in I can’t get out of bed), crazy emotional roller coaster mood swings, and pregnancy-like symptoms (things like being overly emotional, cravings, morning sickness, tender breasts, etc.). The worst part of all that is that not only do I get that for at least a week before my period, it continues during my period. So that’s 2 weeks I’m basically out of commission. So that is another reason it’s kind of a good thing

that I have irregular periods. The bad part about being irregular is that it screws up with my hormones, which when irregular can cause issues (as if I don’t have enough issues already). I don’t really know how to explain it, but when I go a long time without having a period it’s almost like I get a buildup of hormones or something that cause mood swings and such, which actually gets relieved after my period is over. (I know, totally weird.)

Anyway, enough about my feminine health. As I mentioned, I was reading poetry a bit earlier. I was looking through the website of that artist I mentioned (Kel Flowers), and she had a book that she made that was inspired by the poem “Mushrooms” by Sylvia Plath. I had never read this particular poem before, but as the book was beautiful (and the verse of the poem I could read in the pictures of the book were beautiful too), and because I love mushrooms (k…we’ve established that I’m weird, lol); I decided to look up the poem. I found it on a blog (actually looks like an interesting blog) here:

http://thebutterflydiaries.wordpress.com/2009/09/05/sylvia-plaths-mushrooms/

I really like how the writer of this blog displayed this poem, and added pictures, and so I’m going to post the same here. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Mushrooms

By Sylvia Plath

Overnight, very
Whitely, discreetly,
Very quietly

Our toes, our noses
Take hold on the loam,
Acquire the air.

Nobody sees us,
Stops us, betrays us;
The small grains make room.

Soft fists insist on
Heaving the needles,
The leafy bedding,

Even the paving.
Our hammers, our rams,
Earless and eyeless,

Perfectly voiceless,
Widen the crannies,
Shoulder through holes. We

Diet on water,
On crumbs of shadow,
Bland-mannered, asking

Little or nothing.
So many of us!
So many of us!

We are shelves, we are
Tables, we are meek,
We are edible,

Nudgers and shovers
In spite of ourselves.
Our kind multiplies:

We shall by morning
Inherit the earth.
Our foot’s in the door.

We are shelves, we are
Tables, we are meek,
We are edible,

Nudgers and shovers
In spite of ourselves.
Our kind multiplies:

We shall by morning
Inherit the earth.
Our foot’s in the door.

Isn’t that a lovely poem? I’m in love with it. It’s definitely one of my new favorites! When doing a Google search for this poem, I also came across websites with analysis’ of the poem. Most people agreed that this poem was a metaphor for the women’s rights movement. However, some people noted that they think that “Mushrooms” is about communism in either Vietnam or China. One commentator said, “hey .... another idea..... it is known that Sylvia Plath was pregnant at the time of writing this poem. i feel this poem also depicts the coming of a new generation. 'whitely, discreetly, quietly'... what better words can you get, to describe a growing fetus!! maybe she imagined her own baby speaking to her. the poem represents the hope and future of the world - the forthcoming generation. ... or .... she may be speaking of WAR AND HATRED. remember the smoke that goes up from an explosion takes the shape of a MUSHROOM!!” One commentator even likened the mushrooms in the poem to gossip. All interesting speculations. Personally I tend to lead towards the supposition that “Mushrooms” is about the women’s rights movement. Perhaps that’s romanticism on my part, but I’m sticking to it! Lol ;P

Well, it’s getting late (actually rather early for me going to bed…1AM, whereas lately I’ve been going to bed around 4-5AM or later). I think I’m either going to lay down in bed and watch tv in bed until I fall asleep, or play games on either Facebook or http://www.pogo.com/. Anyway, I hope you are all well.

Peace,

Ashley

P.S. Happy Ground Hog Day!

OF THE DAY

Mood of the Day: Emotional

Word of the Day: aubade \oh-BAHD\ , noun;1. A song or poem greeting the dawn; also, a composition suggestive of morning.

Quote of the Day: "Artists create dreams for those who are awake.” – Author Unknown

Scripture of the Day: Doctrine and Covenants 64:10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

Song of the Day: “Release” by Anathema http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R705gJ4P2xo

Video of the Day: For gamers - Whitest Kids U Know: Call of Duty: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2XLhVx2bk8

Artist of the Day: Kel Flowers - http://myceliae.deviantart.com/ http://www.kelfae.com/

Website of the Day: Noisebot - Funny t-shirts, hoodies, and tote bags: http://www.noisebot.com/

How-To of the Day: Custom book binding construction by Kel Flowers - http://kelfae.com/binding.html

Wikipedia of the Day: Lepidoptera is a large order of insects that includes moths and butterflies(called lepidopterans). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lepidoptera

Blog of the Day: The Butterfly Diaries - http://thebutterflydiaries.wordpress.com/

News Story of the Day: NARITA, Japan – A Chinese activist who has spent more than three months living inside Tokyo's international airport said Tuesday that Chinese officials have given him permission to return home. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100202/ap_on_re_as/as_japan_terminal_activist

Picture of the Day: Colours Artbook :: Pink Pink by Vanessa 1022 http://1022.deviantart.com/art/COLOURS-ARTBOOK-Pink-Pink-150631075

Credits:

Image 1: .: emotional abuse :. By vinegar - http://vinegar.deviantart.com/art/emotional-abuse-16707591

Image 2: Mich’s Book by Kel Flowers - http://kelfae.com/images/kfmflowers_michsm.jpg

Image 3: Hormones by Bethstump - http://vinegar.deviantart.com/art/emotional-abuse-16707591

Image 4: Back-lit Mushroom by Eric Meyer - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Backlit_mushroom.jpg

Image 5: Moldova Stamp: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Stamp_of_Moldova_364.gif

The Obsessed One

2010-01-27T19:44:00.000-08:00

I should change the name of this blog to “The Obsessed One”. I’m once again (or still, rather) obsessing over everything. Some of those are good, happy things, and some of them are just blah. So I guess I’ll get the blah out of the way first. I’d rather end on a happy note, when possible.

So one of my friends from UNI (the psych hospital I was in back in December) replied to an email I sent. In our correspondence Alliance House was brought up, and I was reminded that I still haven’t checked into Alliance House as it was my goal to do. Thinking about that brought up all the other goals that I made when I was in UNI that I still haven’t accomplished. I mean, some of my goals I have met, but very few compared to how many I’ve just brushed aside, or become too overwhelmed to complete. So I’m going to list my goals (the ones I remember, at least), so that I can hold myself accountable to them. Here they are:

· Attend Family Therapy: Okay, so this is one goal I obviously can’t complete by myself. We went to one session while I was in UNI (I was absolutely shocked that my dad and brother showed up, as they swore they’d never go to a therapist. It meant so much they did!) and we’ve been to one session since. The problem is, that even though I keep trying to get my family to go to more sessions (they agreed to going to three outside of UNI), they keep making up excuses not to go. I guess with this goal I can keep trying, but in the end it’s not just up to me to meet it. If my family won’t do it, then I’m just going to have to move on.
· Attend Individual Therapy: Okay so I’ve had a few appointments scheduled, but missed them all. Mostly because I was sick, which was a legitimate reason to miss the appointments. So why haven’t I been since? I don’t know. I keep making up excuses like, “I don’t have a ride there,” which is true, but I ought to find another way to get there. I just feel like such a burden on everyone anyway, that I hate asking for rides from people outside of my immediate family. If that weren’t bad enough, living in Farmington now, I know zero people here, and everyone I do know lives in Bountiful and south from there, so taking me somewhere would be a long process, and I don’t want to put people out. Then there’s public transportation. I wouldn’t mind taking the bus, but the nearest bus stop is at the bottom of a huge hill. Going down the hill wouldn’t be so bad, but going back up it would absolutely kill my back. *sigh* I just don’t know what to do. I guess the only thing I can do is keep trying, which I will. I haven’t given up (completely) just yet.
· Go to Alliance House / Research AH Programs: Alliance House is a non-profit agency that supplies various programs for adults that struggle with serious mental illness. They offer things like social activities, job training, job placement, help with education, housing, etc. AH has a lot of resources that could be very beneficial to me (if I ever get off my butt and get there). They offer GED and high school diploma programs for free! I never got either. Because of my back problems I missed almost all of high school. I did what they called “home-hospital” high school, but that was an absolute joke (I won’t even get into that today because I’ll just start ranting). When I was 17 I enrolled in college, and went for a few semesters, but never got a degree or anything. I was getting high school credits as well as college credits when I was in college, but like I said, I never finished either. 10 years later, and I still don’t have a complete high school or college education. It’s really embarrassing for me to admit that. I don’t know why I never just went and took the GED test. I’m sure I’d pass it first time. I guess it’s just something I’ve put a mental block up against, and I became too scared to do it. Now I’ve got this great opportunity to finish my high school education through AH, and I just can’t pass it up. It’s high time I got my high school diploma. Now I actually made the goal with one of my doctors (the one who drove me nuts), that I would have my GED (or at least take the test) by the end of January. That’s not going to happen now. Now I could just go in and take the test before the end of January, and I’d probably pass. But here’s the thing, I just read today that people who get a GED can no longer get a high school diploma afterwards. Not that it’s that big of a deal to get a GED and not a diploma, but personally I’d rather have a diploma. I know that employers here in Utah don’t much care whether you have a GED or HS diploma, but I’ve heard from friends in other states that employers in other states do see them as different, and hire accordingly. So on the chance that someday I may live in another state (that would actually be nice), I want to get my HS diploma rather than a GED. Another cool thing about the AH diploma program is that you don’t have to do it in-class. They just give you the study materials to take home, and do at your own pace, and then go back for testing. So that’s another of my goals that I must complete!
· Find a new spine doctor. I actually have looked into this (amazingly enough), and think I’ve found the one I’m going to go with. Previously I’ve been to the University of Utah Orthopedic Clinic (which is where I had two of my back surgeries), and they were really great. I saw Dr. Braun there, who was amazing, but a few years ago he move out-of-state, so therefore I couldn’t see him anymore. Since then I just haven’t bothered to find a new doctor. The UofU Ortho Clinic is one of the best in the country, so I figured I’d go back there. I looked up the spinal doctors currently in practice there, and decided to go with Dr. Brodke. He seems to be the best candidate, and focuses on the aspects of spinalproblems that I have.

those are just some of the things that I really need to get done. Most of it involves just making some phone calls and scheduling appointments at first. Even that is a pain though because I have to work around my family’s schedules so I can actually get places. Oh, that reminds me…something else to add to my list is to get my driver’s license reinstated. Since I haven’t had my own car (and rare access to a family members car), a couple of years ago I let my driver’s license lapse (just didn’t renew it). Now that my brother says that I can use his car if I have a license and am insured, I need to renew my license. Though then I need insurance. Argh. At one point my dad said he’d put me on his insurance and pay for it. Hopefully he’ll still go through with that.

Anyway, I should probably stop blogging, and go be productive and get things done. That’s irony for you.

Truly,

Ashley

OF THE DAY

Mood of the Day: Obsessive

Word of the Day: Erudite er·u·dite [er-yoo-dahyt, er-oo-] –adjective characterized by great knowledge; learned or scholarly: an erudite professor; an erudite commentary.

Quote of the Day: “Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again” ~ L. Frank Baum

Scripture of the Day: John 8:32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

Song of the Day: "Blue Lips" by Regina Spektor http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grHiLRgbpIY

Video of the Day: Have You Got Any Castles - An old animated short from Merrie Melodies. I remember seeing it as a child, and I loved it though it freaked me out. Enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4pdbgD5Q8Q&feature=PlayList&p=3C331F7BE15A9BDD&index=12

Artist of the Day: Celso Junior - Bright, colorful graphic art. I often have his artwork as my desktop background. http://celsojunior.deviantart.com/

Website of the Day: thredUP - a clothes-swapping website. This website is just in the beta stages, but it's an interesting concept! Trade clothes you don't wear or don't want anymore for clothes from people with the same predicament! They're just doing shirts right now, and unfortunately you don't get to pick exactly which clothing item you get (they do it for you), but they're working on changing that. Anyway, it's cool to check out! http://www.thredup.com/

How-To of the Day: I love steampunk! Modifying Welding Goggles into a Steam inspired look: http://www.instructables.com/id/Modifying-Welding-Goggles-into-a-Steam-inspired-lo/

Wikipedia of the Day: The legend of the Thousand Oragami Cranes: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thousand_origami_cranes

Blog of the Day: Freebies 2 Deals - Melea, a stay-at-home mom from Utah has a hobby of finding great deals and freebies, and shares them on her blog! I've gotten so much free stuff because of her! http://www.freebies2deals.com/

Picture of the Day: Rain Princess by Leonid Afremov

Overwhelmed

2010-01-22T04:49:00.000-08:00

I'm trying desperately not to become overwhelmed (yet again.) Things are so crazy in my life right now, but then again, when are they not crazy? I guess crazy lives go hand in hand with crazy people?

There's so much that I want to do right now, so much that I want to accomplish, but once my mind starts going, it starts going a million miles a minute, and like I said, I become overwhelmed. It doesn't help that my ADD and OCD are raging right now. Or perhaps one is a product of the other. Maybe I'm so overwhelmed because my ADD and OCD are going off the charts, or perhaps my ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) are in overdrive because I'm so overwhelmed. Either way, it's a vicious circle.

Something that has become a dangerous trigger for me over the past several days is looking at deviantart.com. Don't get me wrong, it's probably my favorite website, but it sets me into a crazy cycle. I'll start looking at artwork, and become absolutely obsessed with it. I can't just sit down and enjoy the artwork for what it is (I so wish I could). I look at it, and my brain starts going. I start getting inspired to create my own artwork, so I start thinking about what I could create. Then I start thinking about my own inadequacies as an artist, and start to feel disappointed and down because my own artwork could never be as good as whatever artist's work I happen to be looking at. So I start thinking about improving my skill by taking classes, or reading books, or reading or watching tutorials, or whatever. It leads to more and more obsessing until I feel like I am going to explode.

The other thing about deviantART is that on profile pages it shows favorites of the person whose profile it is. So then I start looking at that artwork and reading about that artist, and then that artist has favorites, so I start looking at their favorites, and once again I get obsessive, and it never ends. I spend hours upon hours doing this, until I literally collapse. (Usually by the time I'm to this point I should have been in bed hours previously, so the collapse is usually into bed.)

It's such cycles and obsessions that lead me to be overwhelmed, and unproductive. It doesn't matter how many intentions I have to being productive, in creating my own artwork or whatever the case may be, I just never get to it. That is because by the time I actually get around to actually accomplishing something, I'm far too tired, and far too overwhelmed and drained of energy to do anything but lay in bed and sleep, or watch TV. That leads to feelings of guilt because I'm not accomplishing anything, and in being unaccomplished I'm letting myself, and others down.

This problem has been even worse over the past month, since my doctors changed up my meds. These symptoms have increased a hundred fold, and I don't know how much longer I can handle it. I tried talking to my psychiatrist about the problem, but, well, I've found that psychiatrists don't particularly care to listen to their patients. They have such God-complexes that they think that they know everything, and that I, as a patient, know nothing. It pisses me off, but what can I do? I'm at their mercy. I'd switch psychiatrists, but I've seen three in the past month, and they, and others I've seen in the past, are all the same. I don't know. I guess I'll tell my psychiatrist once again about how severe the problem is getting, and hope he'll listen this time. I do understand that he wants me to hold out for a while to see if the meds I'm on will work for me, but I don't know that I can survive it in the meantime. I'm going crazy here (okay, crazier, but still)! Maybe I'll ask him if he'll put me back on Strattera, an ADD med that I used to take that used to help quite a bit. I stopped taking it because I couldn't afford it anymore, and because I wasn't in school or working I didn't have to have it. I'm on a new prescription plan though, so I should be able to afford the med now. Hopefully I can get back on it, and it will help. I'll cross my fingers.

One of the worst things I've realized in all of this, is that I think taking pain medications really helped dull the effects of my ADD and OCD. Opioids basically slow down brain function, and dulls everything. I think that's how I've been able to survive the effects of such severe ADD and OCD, because for the past 5 years I haven't been feeling the effects so bad. Maybe that's why the

effects now feel so much worse than they used to before I was on constant pain meds. This kind of scares me though, because it makes me want (or even feel like I need) to go back on my pain meds, not only for my pain (which is increasingly severe, I'm afraid), but to dull the effects of ADD and OCD once again. The problem with that is not only that that's not what pain medicines should be used for (though obviously if that were the only reason I had to take pain meds, I never would have), but that pain meds had so many bad side effects (addiction, dependency, damage to internal organs, bad effects to brain function, etc.) Also, it's been nice not being on pain meds for a few reasons such as having more energy, feeling like my mind is clearer, etc. I think I just need to find a happy balance somewhere. I just hope that it's possible to have a balance, and if there is, that I can find it. I pray that whatever the case is, that I can just get better. I don't know if I can handle it if I don't.

Oh, and before I forget, I did want to mention that today when browsing deviantART I discovered an AMAZING artist named Nicole West. She is a fantasy artist that works in polymer clay. Her sculptures are some of the best I've seen, and of course in my favorite genre, fantasy. You can view her work here:

http://www.pbase.com/nicolewest

Or on deviantART here:

http://wingdthing.deviantart.com/

Or on MySpace here:

http://www.myspace.com/nicolewestfantasyart

Well, I think I'm going to go find something to eat. Probably yogurt...I've been eating yogurt for two meals a day most days, which is really bad (for me), but it's yummy and doesn't require effort. I think in the months leading up to my gastric bypass surgery when I was losing quite a bit of weight on my own that eating yogurt with probiotics at least once a day really helped not only regulate my system, but I think it helped a lot with weight loss too. I can't recommend yogurt enough (I love Activia personally) not only for weight loss, but for overall health. Which reminds me, I need to post some information that people have requested via my weight loss, and how I've lost so much (5 more pounds and I've lost 100 pounds!) I've got a lot of tips and tricks that people are interested in, and rightly so, and I just need to write them out. (Oh yay, something else to do. LOL)

So...I'm going to grab my foodish stuffs, plop myself down in front of the computer again, and veg out playing stupid Facebook games to relax a while, then I'm going to go to bed. Ugh...it's a quarter after 5AM and I'm only now contemplating going to bed. Just goes to show how much my sleeping schedule is messed up. Anyway, I hope everyone is well. Peace.

Regards,

Ashley

P.S. I'm still working on my entry/story/report for No Pants 2010. It's turned into quite the story (though it's quite amusing, if I do say so myself), but I'll be posting it soon! (Though it's become yet another source of stress and being overwhelmed as I'm trying to get it done, and it keeps growing and turning into more...blah.)

P.P.S. I used to do the "Friday Five" (http://community.livejournal.com/thefridayfive) on my old blog, so I thought I'd do it again here. Seeing that it's Friday, it's once again time for the Friday Five.

Friday Five

Villians.

1. What's your name or alias? The Dark Queen

2. What are your abilities? Shapeshifting and Mind Control.

3. What's your main goal as an all-powerful villain? To take over the world, one mind at a time.

4. By what means do you go about trying to accomplish this? Subtly brainwashing people to do my bidding.

5. What's your fatal flaw or weakness? Over-confidence.

BONUS: Describe or draw your preferred villainous attire.

Dark crimson and black pvc/latex with a lace-up bustier/corset, a long full skirt that's open in the front, revealing cheeky boy-shorts, thigh-high crimson and black striped stockings held up with a garter belt, over-the-knee lace-up stiletto leather boots, gobs of jewelry in black diamonds and rubies, black and crimson hair held up with gem-encrusted pins, dramatic dark makeup, holding a gem-encrusted scepter, all topped off by a queenly crown. (Okay, now I definitely have to draw this!)

P.P.P.S. I'm initiating something in my blog that I used to do in previous blogs. I call it "Of the Day." It includes various things from moods to songs to websites that either fit my day, or that I found interesting that day and wanted to share. I'm not sure if I should put it at the beginning or ending of my blog (I used to put it at the beginning of each blog entry, but I think that might distract people and take them away from reading my blog.) What do you think? Either way, enjoy.

OF THE DAY

Mood of the Day: Overwhelmed

Word of the Day: Lagniappe (pronounced /ˈlænjæp/, LAN-yap) is a small gift given to a customer by a merchant at the time of a purchase (such as a 13th donut when buying a dozen), or more broadly, "something given or obtained gratuitously or by way of good measure." The word is chiefly used in the Gulf Coast of the United States, especially Louisiana.

Quote of the Day: "And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." - Sylvia Plath

Scripture of the Day: Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Song of the Day: "Strawberry Gashes" by Jack Off Jill - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CNbik4YCeI

Video of the Day: Amazing huge model RC plane - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmKdA6L_MWk

Artist of the Day: Nicole West - http://www.pbase.com/nicolewest

Website of the Day: http://www.swap-bot.com/ - The easiest way to create and join swaps on the Internet.

Blog of the Day: All Things Crafty - http://mieljolie.blogspot.com/

Picture of the Day: Ariel and Flounder by Claire Lena McKinley - http://meirou.deviantart.com/art/Ariel-and-Flounder-120588501

Getting Ready for No Pants Subway Ride 2010 - Salt Lake City

2010-01-09T14:07:00.000-08:00

Current Mood: Anticipatory

Song of the Day: The Rockafeller Skank by Fatboy Slim (Dunno why, but I've had this song in my head all day!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmsTwQb1csc

Quote of the Day: "Trying is having the intention to fail. You have to just say ‘do it.’" - From the movie "I Love You Man"

So much going on right now! My life is in crazy-mode, but that's okay! I'm actually accomplishing some things, and that's absolutely awesome! Okay, so here's what's going on:

Tomorrow (Sunday, January 10, 2009) is the No Pants subway ride event for Improv Everywhere. Once again I'm coordinating/hosting the event in Salt Lake City. This will be the third year that Salt Lake City has participated, and the third year that I've hosted it! To read more about the event, see our Facebook event page here:

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=268614741678&ref=ts

I do have some concerns about this years event, however. First of all, I'm still terribly sick with tracheal bronchitis! Blah! I was sick for last years event, but somehow managed to survive. It's not the smartest thing to do when you're sick (it's not exactly a smart thing to do when you're healthy either, lol), but boy will it be fun! I'm not looking forward to standing outside freezing to death in my skivvies, breathing in the lovely inversion air. Ah well, it's worth it for the hilarity that shall ensue!

My second concern about this years event is that it falls on a Sunday. Sunday's in Utah are notoriously quiet. That's because so many people here keep the Sabbath day holy (I usually do too, but I'm making an exception for No Pants [wow...I'm going to hell in a hand basket! lol].) So there won't be as many participants I'm sure, and there won't be as many spectators. But as I told our agents (we call the participants in Improv Everywhere/Improv SLC secret agents), think of how funny it will be if the majority of the people on the TRAX train cars aren't wearing pants! I can only imagine what the innocent bystanders will think! Their reactions are priceless, and make everything worth it!

I even went out and bought some new clothing for the event. Since I've lost 90 pounds since last years event, none of my boy-short undies (which cover more) fit anymore. So I went out and bought some new ones that do fit (black with lace trim at the bottom), as well as some nylons to wear underneath (I got some flesh-colored ones that make it look like I don't have any on - but they sure help with the cold!) I also bought some cute trouser socks, because layers help keep the cold out! Oh! I also got some super cute "smokey" eyeshadow. Really pretty grays, blacks, and whites. It'll definitely look good with what I'm wearing! I'm sure I'll be in tons of pictures, so I'll post some after the event!

So what else do I have to do? You name it, and it's on my "To Do" list. I need to finish applying for Social Security Disability (they seem to be asking for the same information over and over again, just in different formats...ugh, that's the government for you!) Then I have a gazillion doctors appointments this month (speaking of which, I need to write out some notes regarding what to ask the doctors about.) I need to finish unpacking my stuff and setting up my room as I've lived in our new house since October, and am still living mostly out of boxes! The thing that makes it difficult is that my room is tiny, and overflowing with boxes, so there's nowhere to move anything to. That, and I can't move the boxes by myself because of my back, so I have to wait until it's convienient for someone else to help me (which is rarely.) Mixed in with all of that, I may go to California to visit a friend next Wednesday. It would only be a day trip, but I've been wanting to go and see her forever! I fly free because my mom works for an airlines, so why not use that benefit? I don't use it very often (maybe once a year) because I don't have any money to do anything once I get to a destination, so what's the point?

A more short-term "to-do" is to get ahold of the media for No Pants. Usually we don't inform the media, and they show up anyway. I figure this year I'll get ahold of them first, and put in some requests for them and how they should behave to help the event go off smootly. It's always interesting to see how the media portrays this event! Here's a page with some links to some of the media coverage of No Pants 2k8:

http://improveverywhere.ning.com/group/saltlakecity/forum/topics/1982446:Topic:26039

Alright, so I just took a time out from blogging to send off letters to the media. Yay, all done with that! I can now check it off my list. I'm a bit late in doing this, but oh well, at least I got it done! It's definitely one of my resolutions to complete things, and complete them on time (though finishing anything at all is amazing for me!)

Anyway, I'm going to go lay down and get some much needed rest. While I was out I rented the movie Penelope, which I have really been looking forward to seeing. I'll let you know how it is!

Kindest Regards,

Ashley

New Year, New Blog

2009-12-31T05:44:00.000-08:00

So here I am, once again resurecting my blog. This has been coming for a long time, but I just haven't sat down and actually done it. Yet another thing I've been procrastinating. Though I have to ask myself just why I'm procrastinating something like a blog. I think it's because every time I start my blog up, I get so very deeply involved, and it becomes overwhelming. My OCD starts to kick in, and I feel like I HAVE to write about anything and everything that comes
to my mind. So I'm going to try not to do that this go-round.

As we're headed into a new year, and a new decade, I'm also entering a new phase in my life. So much is changing (for the better, I hope!) in my life, and I'd like to keep track of the goings-on that I experience. I want to keep a record of my life, for myself, and perhaps for my progeny (though they might be scared to learn that they come from an ancestor such as myself!) This is something I've wanted to do for a while, though, and I'm committed to do it! I'm hoping to contribute to my blog at least a few times a week. If I don't keep up with that goal, you have my permission to smack me (softly!) upside the head.

One of the reasons I really want to start my blog again, is one of the same reasons I've used every time I've started writing a blog/journal/diary/whatever. That reason is because I NEED to. I have the need to write my thoughts down, express my feelings, and just get things down on paper (or virtual paper, as the case may be.) Another reason I have for starting up my blog again is that my therapist(s) keep telling me to journal. Therapists use "journal" as a verb. I've never met a therapist that didn't suggest journaling. The catch is, it works. The trick of it is actually doing it. Some
of the most important times to sit down and scrawl out ones feelings is when things get intense. It's when I'm most upset, sad, mad, whatever, that writing down what I'm feeling helps the most. However, most of the time, I don't feel like writing my thoughts down. I just feel like screaming, or crying, or whatever else. During those times I often try to convince myself to pause a moment and write down what I'm feeling. More often than not I'm too stubborn to do so. I'm trying to change that though, hence, this blog.

That brings me to a conundrum I'm facing. Should I be totally open and honest in this blog? Should I keep some things private, or should I just bare my soul for all to witness? Should I write down everything, and then edit my writing before posting it to my blog?

Most of the time when I've blogged I've been open about almost everything. Most of the time that was okay because most of my readers didn't know me personally. The few that did know me, well, I was okay with their knowing everything I'd written about. It happened a few times though, that people I knew came across my blog. Ocassionally
this caused some problems. For instance, my ex boyfriend found my blog, and found out that I still had feelings for him. It turned into a big drama when some of his friends got involved, and yeah...don't think it was a good thing. I mean, perhaps it was a good thing that he found out, but perhaps not.

Then there were times I wrote about things like my sexual exploits. I wasn't graphic in my writings, but I did write about such private things that I probably shouldn't have. I guess I won't have that particular problem this go 'round since I'm not sexually active. But what about other private matters? Should my life be an open book? I've actually talked to my therapist about something similar. It used to be that I was an open book. I'd tell anyone anything, if they
asked; and sometimes when they didn't. My therapist said that's not healthy, or right. I can't remember exactly how she explained it. I'll have to ask her, and post about it. (If it's okay to post about it...maybe what my therapist says it too private? lol.)

So onto other matters. You may be asking yourself (and I'm sure you're dieing to know), what this blog is going to be about. Well, the answer is, everything. My thoughts, my ramblings, my interests, and whatever else I feel like writing about. I'll write about my daily life, what I'm experiencing, how I feel, etc. I'll also post about the things I do. That may be my artwork, a new recipe I've tried, or a new project I'm working on. I'll also be writing about things that I find interesting. Things like websites I find interesting, music or films I like, and other such things. I'll also write things to you, the reader. I may start discussions with you, ask questions or advice from you, etc. I'll even be doing fun things
like contests and giveaways. I'd also like to have some "guest writers" contribute to my blog. So you see, reading my blog will not only be entertaining, but rewarding! lol. Though uhm, if that's what you're here for, schwag, well then...alrighty. It doesn't really matter to me why you read. In fact, it doesn't really matter to me IF you, or anyone else for that matter, reads this blog at all. I'm not writing this blog for someone else; I'm writing it for myself. If
others find joy, entertainment, amusement, or anything else by reading this blog (though please, no creepy reasons for reading), then that's all the better!

So off we go, into the wild blue yonder. This should be an interesting journey.

Are we having fun yet?!

-Ashley