Ashley's Atrium

Day 1, January 1st 2014:

I'm finally reading a book that I was given years ago.  A book that I've started many times, but never finished.  This year, I'm determined to finish it.  This is a book that I love, that has given me, and many of my friends much inspiration.  A book that I have given copies of to many others.  A book I NEED right now, above all else.  This book is "Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy" by Sarah Ban Breathnach (See also: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Simple-Abundance-A-Daybook-of-Comfort-and-Joy-by-Sarah-Ban-Breathnach/231289653623600)


Day 1 - A Transformative Year of Delight and Discovery.

For day one the book instructs me to me to, "carve out a quiet interlude for yourself in which to dream, pen in hand."  It also says, "But this year, instead of resolutions, write down your most private aspirations.  Those longings you have kept tucked away until the time seems right.  Trust that now is the time.  Ask the questions.  The Simple Abundance path brings confidence that the answers will come and we will discover - day by day - how to live them."

A friend, Kevin, from my old singles ward up in Farmington also posted this inspirational little tidbit on Facebook today:  "Day 1 was fun! Very meaningful and productive! Hey what're some of your new years resolutions? What'd you resolve to change in your own life this year? What are you making different? How will your life contribute more this year? What are commitments you made about this year and where did you draw the line? Tell me tell me tell me! I want inspiration! I need your examples in my life friends!"

So I've been pondering a lot today, thinking a lot about the past, especially the recent past.  I've also been thinking about the future.  I've finally pulled myself enough out of this hole that I can actually see a future for myself.  So what do I see?  What do I want to see?  What do I want to happen in my future?  Here's what I want, what I will strive to do over the next year, in no particular order.

I want to live life.  I've been doing this more than I have in the past, but I want to live my OWN life, not live it for others anymore.  I think this has been a great disservice to both myself, and to those who I've been "living" for, because I haven't truly been living.  I've just been depending on other people for, well, everything.  And in return I've been giving everything, and in the end, that leaves me with nothing.  I want to stop this vicious cycle, and start truly living, and living for myself.

So that leaves me to question, what do I need to do to actually start living my own life?  That's when I start to think about my priorities.  My family has always been my first priority to me, which I think is as it should be.  The problem is, we've become too enmeshed in ways, and too distant in others.  So what do I need to do to change that?

First, I need to stop depending so much on my family.  I've been doing well with that in some areas, such as mentally and psychologically, I haven't been depending on them for my psychological health as I have in the past.  I want to repair the relationships I have with my family members, which I think I have been doing, but need to do more of.  So first I would like to contribute more to my family.  Some of you know my situation, while some don't.  I'm currently living with my parents, and have been for, well, way too long.  This has been out of necessity, as with my back problems, I haven't been able to work, and because of that I haven't had an income, and therefore haven't been able to support myself.  Because of this, my parents have graciously accepted me back into their home, and support me in every way possible.  I think I've become too comfortable in this situation, and need to change it.  I need to contribute more to hearth and home, as it were.  To do this I think first I need to first finish my application for Social Security Disability.  I think I've been putting this off mentally because it scares me.  It feels like the hangman's noose hanging around my neck, and that if I do get accepted for Social Security Disability, that's it, I'm done, I'm no longer part of a contributing society, I no longer support myself, etc.  I need to stop thinking that way.  I need to remember that I contributed a lot to Social Security when I was working, and that's why the program is there in the first place.  Second, I need to stop thinking of it as a permanent solution, or permanent situation.  I may have to be on it for a while, but that doesn't mean forever.  I can still follow my other dreams and aspirations, that will hopefully lead to a self-sufficient and independant life.  So goal number one is to complete my application for, and then file for, Social Security Disability.

While I'm doing this, that will bring me to my second goal.  I want to pursue my other goals and dreams, which are to become self-sufficient by selling my artwork, my crafts, crafts supplies, vintage items, and the jewelry I make via online websites and such. First I need to get a new camera, so that I can take pictures of my wares for sale.  So I need to save what little money I have, and set aside some of it for a new camera.  My dad also said that he wanted to buy me one for Christmas, one like my brother's, so I think with that money, and the money I set aside, I can get a decent camera.

That same goal must include my continuing to work on my various artwork and crafts.  I need to spend more time finishing projects, and doing research to find out things like where to get prints of my artwork made so I can sell them.  I also need to open more Etsy shops, shops on Artfire, and work on opening my own website and portfolio.

That leads me to my third goal, which is to increase my knowledge, and participation in the art community, and to continue to perfect my skills in artistry, crafting, jewelry making, etc.  To do this I'm going to participate in local events (I've already signed up to, and committed to do the Magic on the Sidewalk festival - a local sidewalk chalk art festival.  I'm really looking forward to that!).  I also want to continue to study and practice my skills, and learn more techniques, methods, etc.  So that's my third goal.

Fourth, as I talked about earlier, I need to live life for myself, and not for others.  I recently got out of a fast and furious serious relationship, and I don't want to make the same mistakes in future relationships that I did in that one.  I think this means evaluating what I want, and only dating people that fit what I want in my life.  That means dating people that not only have things in common with me, but have the same goals and values.  I think that's one of the biggest things that was missing from my last relationship.  Yes, we had a lot in common, but we weren't on the same page as far as life goes.  So I'm looking for someone that's looking for the same things that I am.  That includes someone who has goals and aspirations, someone that is successful in whatever they do, someone that is in it because they're looking for a permanant relationship including marriage and family, someone who not only believes in, but loves God.  Someone that respects themselves, and respects women. Someone that actually WANTS to be with me!  In my last relationship it felt like I was always having to force him to be with me, or to even want to be with me...that's not right.  He should naturally just want to be with me, and like doing so.  A good friend of mine recently said to me, "Anyone that would leave you is a fool."  That's what I want, someone who wants to be with me so much that they couldn't imagine leaving me, or not having me in their life.  I want to feel that way too.  So my fourth goal is to have successful and meaningful relationships with others, whether that be a romantic relationship, relationships with friends, or familial relationships.  I want to live my life for myself, and I want to be around people that have good, positive qualities; not the toxic people I've been around for so long.

Fifth, I want to get over my last relationship, and learn from it.  I don't know if I'll ever get the closure I want, but I pray that I'll get the closure I need.  I think I'm getting there, and having a good support system has been the biggest help I've had in getting as far as I have, as fast as I have.  I also want to learn from the good and the bad things that occured during my last relationship.  But most of all, I just want to move on with my life, and get over all the hurt and the pain that came with my last relationship, especially when it ended.  I want to let go.


Sixth, I want to better myself as a person.  This includes a lot of personal things that I'm going to have to go through, and a lot of things that I need to fix.  I want to continue on the good paths that I'm on, and end the bad ones.

Seventh, I want to renew, and strengthen my bond with my Heavenly Father.  I think my last relationship had a lot to do with me falling away from the Church, and I want to get back what I lost when that happened.  This is going to take a lot of work on my part, but I know I can do it, because I've been through so much worse, and come out the other side a better, stronger person because of it.  So in living my life, and in all aspects of it, I want my Heavenly Father, and the Gospel of Jesus Christ to be a part of it, and to be my guide in living.

Eighth, I want to continue to become healthier physically.  In the past year or so, I've lost the nearly 100 pounds I gained back over the past few years, and I want to continue this trend of being healthier, being more active, getting out more, losing weight, eating better, etc.  I'm on the right path so far, and want to continue, and increase my momentum in increasing my health physically.

Ninth, I want to become healthier mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  I've let a lot of negativity affect my life over the past several months, and though I've mostly gotten away from the main source of that, I want to cut it off completely.  I want to get back to my roots, to who I really am, and be true to myself and my beliefs and values.  I lost sight of that, but thankfully my spirit was strong, as was my testimony, and I didn't lose myself completely.  So I want to find myself again, and this time I want to keep myself, and not lose myself in another person, or in a relationship.  I'm definitely going to go back and get more professional counseling to help me in achieving this goal, because I know I need the help and expertise of others, and can't do this alone.  I'll also turn to my great support system, as well as my Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ to help obtain these goals.


Tenth, I want to find myself again.  As I said, I want to remain true to myself, but first I have to get back to myself (if that makes sense).  Again, my biggest goal this year is to find myself again, live my life for myself, build happy and healthy relationships, and follow my goals, hopes, dreams, and prayers.  I know that if I stay true to myself, I'll be much happier, and that will make those around me all the happier as well.

Well that's it in a nut shell, as it were.  That's by no means the end of my long list of goals, hopes, dreams, and prayers for this new year, but it's a basic outline.  I think it's a good starting point, and well, I can only go up from here!  Sometimes we have to reach the very bottom before we can rebound back up to the top, and I'm in the process of doing just that.  So here's to looking up, going up, moving on, and moving forward!  Happy 2014, everyone, may it be a blessed and truly happy year for us all!

Kindest Regards,
Ashley Merrill

Debate Vs. Argument Vs. Fighting

So some of you may know that I'm in a relatively new relationship.  My boyfriend Joel Bruce is great.  He makes me happy, he makes me feel good, he makes me smile, all that good stuff.  There's just one problem.  He's an Atheist.  Now that isn't, or wouldn't be a problem in and of itself.  I've dated Atheists before, many of my closest friends and family members are Atheist, it isn't a problem for me.  Or wasn't until now.

Like I said, my relationship with my Joel is great, or would be, if it weren't for that one thing.  Why is it a problem?  Because we make it a problem.  We're both intelligent, passionate, and stubborn.  We're set in our beliefs, and neither one is willing to compromise.  The question is, should we?

For those of you who aren't aware, I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, aka Mormon.  I've always believed in what are referred to as "The Articles of Faith" (see: http://www.lds.org/scriptures/pgp/a-of-f/1.11).  I've always especially been fond of the 11th Article of Faith which states: "11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may."  I truly, and with all my heart believe that, and in doing so, I also respect people's beliefs, non-beliefs, etc.  I respect people religions, spiritualities, or lack thereof.  Again, I believe in letting people "worship how, where, or what they may."  So I'm good where I am, with what I know to be true (why I know it to be true is another long story for another day, but I'll elaborate if asked to do so), and I'm good with my boyfriend being an Atheist.  So the question is, why does is cause such turmoil in our relationship?

I have some ideas as to why, and I'd like to elaborate my ideas, or hypothesis' now.

First, the problem with me (or is it just a problem with me, for my boyfriend?) is that I'm an emotional person.  When I get into a heated debate or conversation, if I'm honestly open with that person, I wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak.  Sometimes I get upset, sometimes my buttons get pushed, sometimes I get sad, sometimes I cry.  This is a problem for my boyfriend.  He doesn't seem to be able to handle my emotions, even though he expects me to handle his.  That's a problem.  I feel like I allow him to have his feelings and emotions, but I feel that I'm not allowed to do the same.  That's problem number one.

Second, the problem we have is that my boyfriend is very logical, rational, and scientific in his thinking.  The problem lies in that in a theological debate, and in matters of God, things aren't always what we currently understand to be logical, rational, or scientific (even though I believe they are, and that we just don't understand them, or don't yet have the capacity to understand such things).  My boyfriend wants scientific proof of God, proof via the scientific method (see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scientific_method).  The thing is, if God could be proven to exist, we wouldn't need to be here.  We're here to test our faith (see: http://mormon.org/beliefs/plan-of-salvation), and if God gave us all the answers to the test of this lifetime, what would be the point of our being here?  There wouldn't be one.  The purpose of this life would be null and void.  So can the existence of God be proven?  I believe so, but I believe that we're not meant to find out that "proof" until we've, well, passed the test, as it were.

The next problem is, that about once a week or so, we get into some sort of existential debate, which most often turns into an argument, which turns into a fight.  Then we start slinging accusations and blame at one another, until the next thing you know, hours have gone by, and we're both emotionally exhausted, and broken.

Why does it have to be this way?  I don't want it to be this way.  I don't think my boyfriend wants it to be this way.  So why is it?  My boyfriend has often accused me of "thriving on drama".  He's not the first one that's accused me of such.  So I don't know, perhaps I do?  I don't mean to, I don't want to.  By no means is it an excuse, but I do suffer from mental illnesses, including Bi-Polar Disorder NOS (Not Otherwise Specified [meaning I don't fit into type one or type two]).  I've had this illness, which involves clinical chronic depression, for most of my life.  It's controlled (for the most part) by medication and therapy.  For the most part, considering what I've been through (a boat load of more stories, for another time), I would say I do pretty good.  I'm very high functioning, and for the most part a happy person.  I've especially been happy lately, particularly since I met my boyfriend, and those that are close to me have noticed this as well.  Now my boyfriend, on the other hand, says that he wants someone that will take away from and relieve his stress, not someone that adds to it (which apparently I do, a lot).  Personally I try to focus on the 99% of the time that we have together that is good, whereas he seems to focus on that 1% of the time where things aren't very good at all.  Now I understand that this is human nature, that most people remember and focus on negative events over positive ones (they seem to make a deeper impression in our minds), so I understand why he does this.  I just want him to stop focusing on the negative, and focus on the positive.

I think perhaps it all boils down to a communication problem.  We both accuse one another of not listening to the other.  I've come to realize that I don't think this is actually the case, that we are listening to each other, we're just not focusing on the things that the other person wants the other to focus on, and it seems like we're not listening to each other because of that.

So how can we remedy this situation?  Because it needs to be remedied.  It's gotten so bad, that we've almost lost one another because of it, and I, for one, don't want that to happen.

Now as I said, my boyfriend is a very logical and scientific-minded person.  He tagge me in this "Debate Flow Chart" on Facebook the other day, and I "liked" it, and he took that for me agreeing to "debate" following those rules.  The problem is, when the time came for another theological discussion, I didn't have the flow chart in front of me, and apparently didn't follow the rules.  But then again, should I HAVE to follow any rules when it comes to conversing with my boyfriend?  Should I?  I don't know.  Take a look at the flow chart, and see what you think:

Now on most occasions, and for most topics, I would agree with this flow chart, and how it works.  The problem is, when it comes to certain things, I just can't follow those rules.  Theological matters are one of those things.  At the first part of the flow chart is where I get stuck.  It says, "Can you envision anything that will change your mind on this topic?"  The thing is, my answer, if I'm being honest, is no.  That leads to the rule on the flow chart that says, "This is not a discussion. I will not talk to you about this topic.".  Now is this fair?  I don't think so.  I think we can still have a discussion even if I can't envision anything changing my mind regarding the topic.  And for the most part, in the past, we have continued the discussion anyway, which then leads to debating, arguing, fighting, etc.  So lately I've noticed that my boyfriend has been avoiding such conversations, perhaps in effort to avoid confrontation.  The problem is, he still continues to bring up subjects, then I want to talk about them, but he refuses to.  Case in point, the other day my boyfriend tagged me in a post containing this article (http://www.salon.com/2012/06/01/but_im_a_good_mormon_wife/), "But I'm a Good Mormon Wife".  He didn't make any comments about it, but since he tagged me in it, I figured he wanted me to comment, so I did.  This is what I said in reply to the article:

I'm sad when I hear stories like this.  Don't people realize that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's Church, NOT Joseph Smith's Church?  Even if what anti-Mormon media says about Joseph Smith is true, don't people realize he was HUMAN, and as such, a fallible being?  The only thing he, as Joseph Smith, The Prophet?, and President of the Church couldn't do was lead the entire Church astray.  That's all that God said.  He didn't say he was perfect, infallible, unable to be corrupted.  In fact, it says in the scriptures that were a Prophet to lead the Church astray, He would be taken from the Earth.  Maybe that's why Joseph Smith died?  I don't know.  However, that said, I still don't believe what I know to be  lies about Joseph Smith, or the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I would encourage people to learn both sides of the story, instead of just one, and then earnestly pray with a sincere want for knowledge and ask God if it's true or not.  A lot of the information in this article is incorrect, and subjective, not objective.  It's a personal story, by a person (again, people are fallible, corruptible, imperfect, and all that).  There's some things that she talked about as though it was Church Doctrine, that isn't.  That God should come before your spouse?  Actually, as far as I've always been taught in the Church, it's the exact opposite.  As for the Urim and Thummim being a stone in a hat?  What, has she been watching South Park?  It even describes here, in Extracts from the History of Joseph Smith, the Prophet http://www.lds.org/scriptures/pgp/js-h/1.35?lang=eng#34 exactly what the Urim and Thummim are..."35 Also, that there were two stones in silver bows—and these stones, fastened to a breastplate, constituted what is called the Urim and Thummim—deposited with the plates; and the possession and use of these stones were what constituted “seers” in ancient or former times; and that God had prepared them for the purpose of translating the book." Nowhere does it talk about a stone in a hat.  So that point right there tells me that the author of this article is misinformed.  Anyway, I could go on, and will, if anyone would like me to, but I think I've gotten my point across.  This blog entry is just that, a blog entry, a personal story, etc.  It doesn't make it true, objective, or right.

Later that night I was talking to my boyfriend online and I said, "So you never replied to my reply about the article you posted."  "What article?," he asked.  "The one about being a "Good Mormon Wife", I replied.  "I don't want to talk about it," he said.  Now this upset me.  Here he had clearly been the one this time (we've argued over who started the conversation in the first place many times), and now here he was refusing to talk about it.  This didn't seem fair to me, or right, and so of course it upset me, and I got a bit confrontational with him.  Once again, it turned into a fight, and it wasn't pretty.  I accused him of not being willing to follow his own rules, but forcing me into it, and he accused me (once again) of thriving on drama, and needing help.  That of course didn't go over well, with either of us.

Eventually I gave up trying to get him to talk about it, and tried my best to smooth things over.  But the tension, even though we were online, was palpable.

Things have gotten better since then, and we haven't gotten into a fight since, but things are still strained.  I'm trying my best to make it work, I even posted the following "10 Commandments of Rational Debate" to him, as a sign that I was willing to follow such rules:


So the questions I have now are, where do we go from here? How do we fix this problem?  Can it be fixed?  Are we willing to change or compromise regarding this subject?

Anyway, if anyone has any insights, suggestions, or words of wisdom, I could really use them right now.  Even if you just tell me what you think about the situation, I would appreciate it.  I don't want to lose my boyfriend.  I love him, and I want him in my life.  So what can we do to resolve these issues?  Thank you for any insight or knowledge you can provide me with.  That's all for now...until next time, I hope all this finds all of you well.

Kindest Regards,
Ashley

We also both love music (he plays the drums), and has a great singing voice (I don't know that he knows, but I love listening to him when he sings).  We're both totally OCD (I think he keeps me around for my tissues and hand sanitizer, which I never leave home without LOL).  He's a complete gentleman, and always compliments me on the way he likes the way I do my makeup, or what I wear, etc.  He's so sweet!  He's also very chivalrous, opening doors for me and such (which I absolutely adore).

So I think I'm going to start blogging again.  I used to do it quite a bit, and have always found it quite cathartic.  I've always written in journals and blogs for myself, but for other people as well.  I guess I have hope that someone wants to hear my stories, or that people are interested in my life, my opinions, etc.  So I wonder who will read this?  If you do, I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions regarding my post (good, bad, whatever, as long as it's the truth), so please feel free to respond if you so desire!


I've always loved the written word.  I love reading (I'm a professed bibliophile), and love storytelling (which I've finally done professionally, yay!)  I also love to write.  In fact, in college, before I dropped out, I was in the process of becoming an English/Writing major.  So that tells you how much I love to write.  Whether I'm any good at it or not, well, that remains to be seen.  LOL.  

Anyway, I've also had a lot on my mind lately, and sometimes it's easier for me to express things via the written word rather than verbally communicating them.  So it's my hope that perhaps I can express my various thoughts, emotions, feelings, opinions, etc. here, in hopes that others might understand them better.  Again, how successful that will be remains to be seen.  My fear is that if I get too personal, that I might upset people involved in whatever I happen to be writing about.  If that does happen, please let me know, and I'll be happy to edit my writing and/or not write about that particular topic in the future.  

So here I go, off on another adventure.  I hope it's a fun one, and I hope that you'll enjoy it with me!  Either way, here goes nothing, as they say!  (Though I never really did understand that saying...it should be "here goes something", but whatever. LOL.)  

First a little background information, for those of you who don’t know. I used to be pretty involved in the virtual world called Second Life, which is basically like the real world, but online. You interact with other people via avatars, (my avatar’s name is Lilia Quinnell), and you can do pretty much anything you can in the real world, but so much more. One thing I really got into, which became a great love and passion of mine was storytelling.

I was a storyteller at a library in Second Life called the West of Ireland Library. Storytellers there would read stories in voice, and real people would come and listen to us. One of the best parts is that people would donate real money to us, which we in turn donated to a charity called Project Children, which was a charity that helped children in Ireland learn how to live together in peace despite differences.

Anyway, because of some problems I was having with some people in Second Life, as well as some personal problems I was having IRL (In Real Life), I decided to take a hiatus from Second Life. So I took a break for about a year and a half. During that time, the one thing I missed the most other than my friends in SL was storytelling. So about a month ago, I decided I was going to go back to Second Life, and try to become a storyteller once again.

Now my first go-round as a storyteller was wrought with problems. Some of them were my own fault, some of them were just life getting in the way. This time, I was determined, was going to be different. So I got back in touch with the storytellers from the West of Ireland Library, which had now become the Seanchai Library. Also different was that instead of benefitting just one charity, the Seanchai Library benefits a new charity every month (so awesome!).

The people in charge of the Library were understandably hesitant at letting me come back as a storyteller, because of all the problems that had occurred the first time around. I could hardly blame them. But I assured them, and myself, that this time would be different. And though this time around, there would be problems, how I handled them would be very different.

They scheduled me to take part in a group reading of scary stories to start out October, an event called BOOFest! I was very excited, as horror has always been one of my favorite genres, especially to tell aloud. So I started prepping.

Ugh...going through some really tough stuff right now. 2010 has officially been one of the worst (if not the worst) years of my life. I'm glad it's nearly over.

Friends keep disappearing off of my Facebook friends list. Is this happening to anyone else? Is it a Facebook glitch, or am I really losing my friends one by one? Perhaps I'm just being paranoid. I hope so.

I'm in desperate need of friends right now, and over the past year-and-a-half I seem to have lost my closest friends one by one. I guess it's a true test of friendship when you see who sticks around during the hard times. I feel so much sorrow over the friends that I have recently lost, because they were the ones I thought (and hoped) would be there through thick and thin. I'm tired of being the one that stands behind my friends, especially when they need it most, only to be dumped when the tables are turned and I'm the one in need.

Or, as the case is recently, having not stuck by me during my times of need, then betraying my trust and our friendship time and time again until I seriously question my sanity at having let such a so-called "friendship" go on for so long. I question my motives for having stuck it out this long. Do I stand beside this friend on principle, because that's what friends are supposed to do? Do I stand beside this friend because that's what Christ would do? Do I stand beside her out of habit, because I always have? Or are my motives selfish ones? Do I stand beside her because she's the only one that always comes back? Because she's the only one that will put up with me and all the baggage I come with?

If I stand by such a friend, what price will I pay? The consequences to myself, my family, and those around me could be dire. Is such a friend, or friendship, worth it? She has collected her 10 pieces of silver many times over; if I walk away now, will I be guilty of the same?

Do I give her my love, my blessing, my best wishes, and walk away? Do I do and say nothing, as she has done to me? Do I wait, bide my time, and react only when she acts? This last is what I have been doing. Waiting. It's been over a month now...she's had plenty of time to contact me, but has not. I decided a month ago that I would wait and see what her actions would be, and then I would decide what to do. Now that she has not acted one way or another, what do I do? Do I just wait here, in limbo?

I feel so lost, so alone; so friendless. Is this my own fault? Perhaps. Is it because the people of the world (or at least those whom I come in contact with) have lost the ability to be a true friend? I don't know. Either way, the result is the same; I wallow in my sorrow, minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month, and now, year after year, as the world, and all those I once called 'friend' pass me by.