Ashley's Atrium

Day 1, January 1st 2014:

I'm finally reading a book that I was given years ago.  A book that I've started many times, but never finished.  This year, I'm determined to finish it.  This is a book that I love, that has given me, and many of my friends much inspiration.  A book that I have given copies of to many others.  A book I NEED right now, above all else.  This book is "Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy" by Sarah Ban Breathnach (See also: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Simple-Abundance-A-Daybook-of-Comfort-and-Joy-by-Sarah-Ban-Breathnach/231289653623600)


Day 1 - A Transformative Year of Delight and Discovery.

For day one the book instructs me to me to, "carve out a quiet interlude for yourself in which to dream, pen in hand."  It also says, "But this year, instead of resolutions, write down your most private aspirations.  Those longings you have kept tucked away until the time seems right.  Trust that now is the time.  Ask the questions.  The Simple Abundance path brings confidence that the answers will come and we will discover - day by day - how to live them."

A friend, Kevin, from my old singles ward up in Farmington also posted this inspirational little tidbit on Facebook today:  "Day 1 was fun! Very meaningful and productive! Hey what're some of your new years resolutions? What'd you resolve to change in your own life this year? What are you making different? How will your life contribute more this year? What are commitments you made about this year and where did you draw the line? Tell me tell me tell me! I want inspiration! I need your examples in my life friends!"

So I've been pondering a lot today, thinking a lot about the past, especially the recent past.  I've also been thinking about the future.  I've finally pulled myself enough out of this hole that I can actually see a future for myself.  So what do I see?  What do I want to see?  What do I want to happen in my future?  Here's what I want, what I will strive to do over the next year, in no particular order.

I want to live life.  I've been doing this more than I have in the past, but I want to live my OWN life, not live it for others anymore.  I think this has been a great disservice to both myself, and to those who I've been "living" for, because I haven't truly been living.  I've just been depending on other people for, well, everything.  And in return I've been giving everything, and in the end, that leaves me with nothing.  I want to stop this vicious cycle, and start truly living, and living for myself.

So that leaves me to question, what do I need to do to actually start living my own life?  That's when I start to think about my priorities.  My family has always been my first priority to me, which I think is as it should be.  The problem is, we've become too enmeshed in ways, and too distant in others.  So what do I need to do to change that?

First, I need to stop depending so much on my family.  I've been doing well with that in some areas, such as mentally and psychologically, I haven't been depending on them for my psychological health as I have in the past.  I want to repair the relationships I have with my family members, which I think I have been doing, but need to do more of.  So first I would like to contribute more to my family.  Some of you know my situation, while some don't.  I'm currently living with my parents, and have been for, well, way too long.  This has been out of necessity, as with my back problems, I haven't been able to work, and because of that I haven't had an income, and therefore haven't been able to support myself.  Because of this, my parents have graciously accepted me back into their home, and support me in every way possible.  I think I've become too comfortable in this situation, and need to change it.  I need to contribute more to hearth and home, as it were.  To do this I think first I need to first finish my application for Social Security Disability.  I think I've been putting this off mentally because it scares me.  It feels like the hangman's noose hanging around my neck, and that if I do get accepted for Social Security Disability, that's it, I'm done, I'm no longer part of a contributing society, I no longer support myself, etc.  I need to stop thinking that way.  I need to remember that I contributed a lot to Social Security when I was working, and that's why the program is there in the first place.  Second, I need to stop thinking of it as a permanent solution, or permanent situation.  I may have to be on it for a while, but that doesn't mean forever.  I can still follow my other dreams and aspirations, that will hopefully lead to a self-sufficient and independant life.  So goal number one is to complete my application for, and then file for, Social Security Disability.

While I'm doing this, that will bring me to my second goal.  I want to pursue my other goals and dreams, which are to become self-sufficient by selling my artwork, my crafts, crafts supplies, vintage items, and the jewelry I make via online websites and such. First I need to get a new camera, so that I can take pictures of my wares for sale.  So I need to save what little money I have, and set aside some of it for a new camera.  My dad also said that he wanted to buy me one for Christmas, one like my brother's, so I think with that money, and the money I set aside, I can get a decent camera.

That same goal must include my continuing to work on my various artwork and crafts.  I need to spend more time finishing projects, and doing research to find out things like where to get prints of my artwork made so I can sell them.  I also need to open more Etsy shops, shops on Artfire, and work on opening my own website and portfolio.

That leads me to my third goal, which is to increase my knowledge, and participation in the art community, and to continue to perfect my skills in artistry, crafting, jewelry making, etc.  To do this I'm going to participate in local events (I've already signed up to, and committed to do the Magic on the Sidewalk festival - a local sidewalk chalk art festival.  I'm really looking forward to that!).  I also want to continue to study and practice my skills, and learn more techniques, methods, etc.  So that's my third goal.

Fourth, as I talked about earlier, I need to live life for myself, and not for others.  I recently got out of a fast and furious serious relationship, and I don't want to make the same mistakes in future relationships that I did in that one.  I think this means evaluating what I want, and only dating people that fit what I want in my life.  That means dating people that not only have things in common with me, but have the same goals and values.  I think that's one of the biggest things that was missing from my last relationship.  Yes, we had a lot in common, but we weren't on the same page as far as life goes.  So I'm looking for someone that's looking for the same things that I am.  That includes someone who has goals and aspirations, someone that is successful in whatever they do, someone that is in it because they're looking for a permanant relationship including marriage and family, someone who not only believes in, but loves God.  Someone that respects themselves, and respects women. Someone that actually WANTS to be with me!  In my last relationship it felt like I was always having to force him to be with me, or to even want to be with me...that's not right.  He should naturally just want to be with me, and like doing so.  A good friend of mine recently said to me, "Anyone that would leave you is a fool."  That's what I want, someone who wants to be with me so much that they couldn't imagine leaving me, or not having me in their life.  I want to feel that way too.  So my fourth goal is to have successful and meaningful relationships with others, whether that be a romantic relationship, relationships with friends, or familial relationships.  I want to live my life for myself, and I want to be around people that have good, positive qualities; not the toxic people I've been around for so long.

Fifth, I want to get over my last relationship, and learn from it.  I don't know if I'll ever get the closure I want, but I pray that I'll get the closure I need.  I think I'm getting there, and having a good support system has been the biggest help I've had in getting as far as I have, as fast as I have.  I also want to learn from the good and the bad things that occured during my last relationship.  But most of all, I just want to move on with my life, and get over all the hurt and the pain that came with my last relationship, especially when it ended.  I want to let go.


Sixth, I want to better myself as a person.  This includes a lot of personal things that I'm going to have to go through, and a lot of things that I need to fix.  I want to continue on the good paths that I'm on, and end the bad ones.

Seventh, I want to renew, and strengthen my bond with my Heavenly Father.  I think my last relationship had a lot to do with me falling away from the Church, and I want to get back what I lost when that happened.  This is going to take a lot of work on my part, but I know I can do it, because I've been through so much worse, and come out the other side a better, stronger person because of it.  So in living my life, and in all aspects of it, I want my Heavenly Father, and the Gospel of Jesus Christ to be a part of it, and to be my guide in living.

Eighth, I want to continue to become healthier physically.  In the past year or so, I've lost the nearly 100 pounds I gained back over the past few years, and I want to continue this trend of being healthier, being more active, getting out more, losing weight, eating better, etc.  I'm on the right path so far, and want to continue, and increase my momentum in increasing my health physically.

Ninth, I want to become healthier mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  I've let a lot of negativity affect my life over the past several months, and though I've mostly gotten away from the main source of that, I want to cut it off completely.  I want to get back to my roots, to who I really am, and be true to myself and my beliefs and values.  I lost sight of that, but thankfully my spirit was strong, as was my testimony, and I didn't lose myself completely.  So I want to find myself again, and this time I want to keep myself, and not lose myself in another person, or in a relationship.  I'm definitely going to go back and get more professional counseling to help me in achieving this goal, because I know I need the help and expertise of others, and can't do this alone.  I'll also turn to my great support system, as well as my Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ to help obtain these goals.


Tenth, I want to find myself again.  As I said, I want to remain true to myself, but first I have to get back to myself (if that makes sense).  Again, my biggest goal this year is to find myself again, live my life for myself, build happy and healthy relationships, and follow my goals, hopes, dreams, and prayers.  I know that if I stay true to myself, I'll be much happier, and that will make those around me all the happier as well.

Well that's it in a nut shell, as it were.  That's by no means the end of my long list of goals, hopes, dreams, and prayers for this new year, but it's a basic outline.  I think it's a good starting point, and well, I can only go up from here!  Sometimes we have to reach the very bottom before we can rebound back up to the top, and I'm in the process of doing just that.  So here's to looking up, going up, moving on, and moving forward!  Happy 2014, everyone, may it be a blessed and truly happy year for us all!

Kindest Regards,
Ashley Merrill

So here I am, once again resurecting my blog. This has been coming for a long time, but I just haven't sat down and actually done it. Yet another thing I've been procrastinating. Though I have to ask myself just why I'm procrastinating something like a blog. I think it's because every time I start my blog up, I get so very deeply involved, and it becomes overwhelming. My OCD starts to kick in, and I feel like I HAVE to write about anything and everything that comes
to my mind. So I'm going to try not to do that this go-round.

As we're headed into a new year, and a new decade, I'm also entering a new phase in my life. So much is changing (for the better, I hope!) in my life, and I'd like to keep track of the goings-on that I experience. I want to keep a record of my life, for myself, and perhaps for my progeny (though they might be scared to learn that they come from an ancestor such as myself!) This is something I've wanted to do for a while, though, and I'm committed to do it! I'm hoping to contribute to my blog at least a few times a week. If I don't keep up with that goal, you have my permission to smack me (softly!) upside the head.

One of the reasons I really want to start my blog again, is one of the same reasons I've used every time I've started writing a blog/journal/diary/whatever. That reason is because I NEED to. I have the need to write my thoughts down, express my feelings, and just get things down on paper (or virtual paper, as the case may be.) Another reason I have for starting up my blog again is that my therapist(s) keep telling me to journal. Therapists use "journal" as a verb. I've never met a therapist that didn't suggest journaling. The catch is, it works. The trick of it is actually doing it. Some
of the most important times to sit down and scrawl out ones feelings is when things get intense. It's when I'm most upset, sad, mad, whatever, that writing down what I'm feeling helps the most. However, most of the time, I don't feel like writing my thoughts down. I just feel like screaming, or crying, or whatever else. During those times I often try to convince myself to pause a moment and write down what I'm feeling. More often than not I'm too stubborn to do so. I'm trying to change that though, hence, this blog.

That brings me to a conundrum I'm facing. Should I be totally open and honest in this blog? Should I keep some things private, or should I just bare my soul for all to witness? Should I write down everything, and then edit my writing before posting it to my blog?

Most of the time when I've blogged I've been open about almost everything. Most of the time that was okay because most of my readers didn't know me personally. The few that did know me, well, I was okay with their knowing everything I'd written about. It happened a few times though, that people I knew came across my blog. Ocassionally
this caused some problems. For instance, my ex boyfriend found my blog, and found out that I still had feelings for him. It turned into a big drama when some of his friends got involved, and yeah...don't think it was a good thing. I mean, perhaps it was a good thing that he found out, but perhaps not.

Then there were times I wrote about things like my sexual exploits. I wasn't graphic in my writings, but I did write about such private things that I probably shouldn't have. I guess I won't have that particular problem this go 'round since I'm not sexually active. But what about other private matters? Should my life be an open book? I've actually talked to my therapist about something similar. It used to be that I was an open book. I'd tell anyone anything, if they
asked; and sometimes when they didn't. My therapist said that's not healthy, or right. I can't remember exactly how she explained it. I'll have to ask her, and post about it. (If it's okay to post about it...maybe what my therapist says it too private? lol.)

So onto other matters. You may be asking yourself (and I'm sure you're dieing to know), what this blog is going to be about. Well, the answer is, everything. My thoughts, my ramblings, my interests, and whatever else I feel like writing about. I'll write about my daily life, what I'm experiencing, how I feel, etc. I'll also post about the things I do. That may be my artwork, a new recipe I've tried, or a new project I'm working on. I'll also be writing about things that I find interesting. Things like websites I find interesting, music or films I like, and other such things. I'll also write things to you, the reader. I may start discussions with you, ask questions or advice from you, etc. I'll even be doing fun things
like contests and giveaways. I'd also like to have some "guest writers" contribute to my blog. So you see, reading my blog will not only be entertaining, but rewarding! lol. Though uhm, if that's what you're here for, schwag, well then...alrighty. It doesn't really matter to me why you read. In fact, it doesn't really matter to me IF you, or anyone else for that matter, reads this blog at all. I'm not writing this blog for someone else; I'm writing it for myself. If
others find joy, entertainment, amusement, or anything else by reading this blog (though please, no creepy reasons for reading), then that's all the better!

So off we go, into the wild blue yonder. This should be an interesting journey.

Are we having fun yet?!

-Ashley