Ashley's Atrium

AHHHHHHHHH!!! So I’m freaking out here. I know I haven’t written in a while, well, I have written a few times since I last posted, but I haven’t posted what I’ve written. I don’t know why I didn’t post those entries, I just didn’t. Well, I do know, sort of. I’ve been having these issues with writing lately. Well, I’ve been having issues with everything lately, but let’s just focus on the writing. My therapist says that it’s “dread”. Every time I go to get on my computer, this overwhelming wave of dread hits me, and I don’t get on. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I think it may have to do with my medication. I finally stood up to my psychiatrist (my psychiatrist and therapist are two different people; I love my therapist, can’t stand my psychiatrist), and told him that I was tired of him putting me on more and more medications that aren’t working, and said that I want to go off of what he had me on (Cymbalta, Triavil, and Lamictal), and go back to something that worked for me years ago; Zoloft. The thing is, Zoloft stopped working for me a few years ago (which happens with anti-depressants; they work only for so long and then gradually the body builds up a resistance to it for some reason). Well, no one told me that after being off an anti-depressant for a few years it may start to work if taken again. Why didn’t anyone tell me this?! Stupid doctors!

So I finally asked my psychiatrist if I could go back on a medication that had stopped working, and asked if it would work again. He said yes that it may. (Grr.) So I said I wanted to try that. So for the past couple of weeks I’ve basically been in detox from all the meds (that I listed above) that he had me on. Now I’ve been through switching meds before, but it’s never been this awful, or this drawn-out. It’s literally made me insane (or more so). I feel bad for everyone that’s been around me for the past few weeks. I know that I’m hard to deal with normally, but I’m sure that for the past few weeks that I’ve been like handling a living time-bomb. I’ve been trying to warn everyone to stay away from me (especially my mom), but no one seems to want to listen. *sigh* So that’s caused a lot of arguments/fights, which is always oh-so-much fun.

I’ve started on Zoloft as of two days ago, and things are already MUCH better. Maybe it’s just my mind fooling me into thinking that the Zoloft is so much better, but I don’t really care at this point; I’m just glad I don’t feel as miserable as I have for the past few weeks.

That brings me back to my point (yes, I do have a point…sometimes), the reason for me writing today. I logged on MSN Messenger today, and my friend Trish (one of my best friends) had the messenger status of, “Time together is just never quite enough when you and I are alone I’ve never felt so at home <3”. So I IMd her and asked her if she is dating someone. At first she said no, and then she said something like, “Well nevermind, I am close to someone.” I said cool, and asked who. She said, “Do you remember Shay?” My heart dropped. I started freaking out. The thing is, I had been thinking a lot about “Shay” lately. I didn’t know why until now. I sometimes have a “sixth sense” about things, and this is proving to be one of those times.

The thing about Shay (real name Sarah) is that she is one of the most wicked, evil people I’ve ever met. I’m ashamed to say that even knowing that, I still allowed her into my life as a friend. I learned the hard way that Sarah doesn’t have friends; she has minions. Pawns. She just uses people for her own wants, abuses them, then spits them out when she’s finished with them. There just aren’t enough words to explain what a terrible person Sarah is. The best way to describe Sarah is as a “perfect politician”. If you add up all the corrupt political attributes of politicians, you have Sarah’s personality. And now she’s “dating” one of my best friends.

The stupid part is, they’ve never even met each other in person. The worst part is, I introduced them. The way I met Sarah is via one of those stupid virtual worlds (I’m not going to name it, because I don’t want to be responsible for anyone else ending up in that awful place). I thought she was pretty cool at first because she spoke her mind and stood up for her beliefs, and I respected that. However, I soon saw the real Sarah. I’m ashamed to say that not only did I put up with what she did and said, I sometimes participated in it. I’m disgusted with myself for being part of manipulating people, or otherwise treating people poorly. I soon grew to dislike Sarah. Then I did something even worse, instead of just not associating with her anymore, I stuck to the old adage of “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer”. So I kept Sarah close. Then, I started to use her. I guess I didn’t feel bad doing it because she did it to everyone around her. I let her believe that I was one of her minions, all while manipulating her for my own needs. I look back at the things I did and I want to vomit. I became all the things I hated about Sarah.

Now in this virtual world we played this “game”. We were all vampires, and we “lived” in the virtual world as vampires, biting people, gaining vampire minions, etc. In the vampire clan we were in was ran by a monarchy. There was a king and queen, and other various royalty. Then there was the “council”. The council basically ran everything. Well a bunch of stuff happened (there was ALWAYS some sort of drama going on in the clan, and throughout the virtual world in general), and Sarah ended up as president of the council. Once again I manipulated her, and others, and got myself elected as vice president. From there, we controlled everything. The irony was that though “Shay” thought she was using me as her pawn to do her bidding, I was the one doing the controlling. I got her to do everything I wanted her to do. I let this go on for months. I guess I figured that it wasn’t the “real” world, so I could do and say what I wanted there, and there wouldn’t be any repercussion. Boy was I wrong! I’m so ashamed of the things I did. The thing is, with every horrible thing I did, Sarah did things that were a hundred times worse. But I just let it slide. I turned a blind eye towards it. I still can’t believe the things I put up with.

Then, in December, things in my real life came crashing down, and I ended up in the hospital. I got many letters, emails, notes, etc. from various friends and family sending me well wishes and such. Then, I got this email from dear Sarah:

“Can you please pass a message to Ashley for me?

First- I hope you are doing well, and that you get better soon :-) Also, remember all of us are pulling for you.

Second- Sandy and I are moving to another SIM, so the stuff I can take (of yours) I will, and put it all in a folder labeled 'Lilia's Stuff' so it doesn't get Lost in your inventory.

Third- I will find a replacement for the VP slot, mainly because I have to get things going again, you will still be in council, I just need to make sure Continuity is in place at all times.

Feel Better-

~Shay”

So basically she stole all my stuff in the virtual world (stuff that cost real money, by the way), and then instead of doing the right thing and holding my position of vice president for me, she just threw me under the bus. As I said, that’s what she does. She uses people until they are no longer useful to her, and then she spits them out.

I was absolutely disgusted with her pretended concern and thoughtfulness in the letter. Typical politics with her. It kind of blindsided me. I was shocked that she would have the gall to kick me while I was down. Me who despite my dislike of her had always treated her well, always been a good friend to her, who had always been there for her, and she kicks me when I’m down.

The thing is, it turns out that she did me a HUGE favor. She got me to reevaluate my participation in the virtual world, and I decided that I hated who I had become there. So I left. But before I left, I exposed her for the fraud she was…I handed over proof of her manipulation to someone I trusted. The thing is, the person I gave the information to was one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, and so of course he didn’t use it against her, and even let it slide. But I decided that I wasn’t going to waste any more of my life and time with her, or the virtual world. So I left, and never looked back.

That is, until now. I logged back in today. I feel sickened for doing so. So I just logged out. I thought that maybe I should get involved in that world again so that I could protect Trish. But if I do that, I know I’ll just fall back into those manipulative behaviors that I so despise. So I’m going to try my best to stay away, to let Trish make her own mistakes, and learn her own lessons. Trish is one of the most stubborn people I know (almost as stubborn as me! Lol), and I know that if I try to push her away from Sarah that it will just push them closer. Gah, I just don’t know what to do! Should I just stay out of it? Should I just let one of my best friends get hurt by one of the most truly evil people I’ve ever met? What should I do?! I think I may have done too much as it is already. I told Trish how I felt about her dating Sarah, and I think that upset her. My bad. I think I did exactly the opposite of what I wanted; instead of letting Trish know that I’m concerned for her well being, I think I just offended her and pushed her away from me, and towards Sarah.

Ugh…so many things running through my head. I wonder if I should tell Morgane (Trish’s ex and another of my best friends) about this, or if I should leave her out of it?

I also just noticed that Sarah removed me as a friend on Facebook. Could it be because I just stopped talking to her, and she couldn’t stand to be out of the spotlight? Or could it be that she disliked what I write on Facebook? I know she hates everything about my thoughts and beliefs. They’re exactly opposite of her own beliefs (she’s a left-wing ultra liberal lesbian atheist and I’m a right-winged ultra conservative Mormon), and I don’t think she can handle hearing the truth from me. Either way, it’s curious that she removed me as a friend. Though I kept my enemy close in her case, it’s not something I do with anyone else. But with Sarah, she does that with everyone, which is why I’m surprised she removed me from her friends list removing me from being “close”. Now how will she keep an eye on someone she despises?

So I did something stupid…I added Sarah as a friend on Facebook again. Should I wait and see what happens? Should I try to be friends with her, or at least be civil with her since she’s “dating” one of my friends? Should I just let it be and ignore her? Should I remove her as a friend if she accepts the friend request? Ugh, I don’t know what to do! So frustrating!