Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Queen's Quill

Hi! So, it’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve actually been busy-ish. I mean, busy for me; which is actually a good thing. Too often in my life I’ve done almost nothing. Especially over the past five years since my last back surgery. At first it was because I spent the first 6 months after surgery lying in bed. After that the only time I could go out for the next six months were things like going to the grocery store with my mom, because I could use one of the little motorized carts to drive around in. Other than that it was being pushed around in a wheelchair for that year.Now with that year, doing things and keeping busy wasn’t really an option. The only way I got through it was because I was so doped up on painkillers that honestly, I don’t even remember most of that year. That is probably a good thing, or I would have gone insane.

After that first year, when I was in recovery from my back surgery, I just sort of lost myself. I would try to do “normal” things, try to be busy with life. That would work okay for a while, but then I’d go back into sleeping all day, or lying in bed all day, or just doing nothing. During the recovery time, that was okay. The problem was, after I was healed, or mostly healed, I stayed in that zone of doing nothing. I think there were a lot of reasons behind that. Not only was it just habit because of having been immobile for so long, but it also became about me hiding. I still had so much emotional hurt and pain in addition to the physical pain, and the easy way out became to hide.

Of course there were times that I didn’t hide. I actually held down a couple of full time jobs in those years. Those jobs didn’t last very long though. The first time was in 2006 when I worked for Cisco, but only did so for a few months. The reason I quit was because my family had been planning a trip to Canada to see where my brother served his LDS mission, and to meet the people he served there. It was very important that I go on that trip, so before I was even hired, I made sure that a stipulation of my employment would be that I be allowed time off for that

trip.Well, when the time came to leave, my boss told me that we were too busy, and there was absolutely no way he would let me take the time off. I explained how stupid that reasoning was, because I was going regardless of the consequences at work, so he might as well keep my employment on hold until I got back instead of me resigning and Cisco having to hire someone new and pay for all new training. I mean, that’s just logic! But he didn’t get it (he was an asshole anyway who later ended up in prison for child pornography). So I tendered my resignation and left that job. After I got back from the trip to Canada, I just didn’t get another job. I don’t remember my mindset exactly, but I’m sure it was just easier not to get a job, to go back into hiding; which is exactly what I did.

In 2007 I got a job with Dell. I was there for all of six weeks. I could have done really well with that job. I was making more than I had ever made before, and I was great at what I did. I didn’t exactly love the job, but it was a job, and a means to an end. If nothing else, it was a paycheck.That all came crashing down. Everything was pulled out from under me. I and two other women in the training class had been being sexually harassed by a disgusting older man in the class. We complained time and time a

gain to our trainers, and when nothing was done, we went over his head. Still, nothing happened. That is, until they threatened myself and the other two women with our jobs if we didn’t stop rocking the boat, as it were. That silenced the other two women, but not me. I mean, I understand that they needed their jobs and their paychecks, but at what cost? Selling your soul? I have morals, standards, and principles that I will defend to the death if needs be. Anyway, I wouldn’t keep quiet, so they fired me. Yes, I got fired for being sexually harassed. That’s justice, eh? Anyway, long story short, I had a huge lawsuit against the company, let alone the man that was sexually harassing myself and the other women. I was actually working with the office of the Attorney General of Utah, the problem was that going through with the lawsuit would take a lot of time, effort, and money. I had the time, but I didn’t have the effort or money to continue with it. So I had to drop it. The only thing that comforted me was that I knew they’d all get theirs. Not only in Karma, but someday God would take care of it. So I turned it over to Him.

After that I was just broken. Here I had put so very much into succeeding, only to have the rug pulled out from beneath me. I was angry, hurt, and overall depressed. I sank back into the pit of despair I’ve so often found myself in. The problem was, this time I didn’t bounce back. I just sank deeper and deeper. Of course some good things happened in my life, but they were overwhelmed drastically by the bad things. So once again I hid, and have been hiding ever since. However, things are starting to change. I have my ups and downs. It seems at times that the bad still greatly outweighs the goods, but I’m working on changing that. Even though it seems like every step that I take forward I end up taking 10 steps back, I’m still taking steps, and that’s a start.

I noticed the other day that almost everything I write about in my blog is sad and depressing. I think that’s because I use my writing as an outlet; to let things out that I otherwise would keep bottled up inside. The things I feel like I need to get out most are the negative things. I talked to my therapist about this very thing, and she said that even though writing about the bad things is good, that I need to stop focusing on just the bad things. I need to focus (and write about) the good things too. So that’s my goal in my writing, is to write about good things in addition to the bad.

One good thing that I want to start writing about are my passions in arts and crafts. I absolutely LOVE arts and crafts, and want to share that love with others. I’m working on starting a

business to sell my artwork and artisan crafts, and think it would be fun to write about those things too. So I’m going to write about that. Not only am I going to write about what I create, or what I have for sale, but I’m also going to do things like write tutorials and such. I’m even working on one right now; a tutorial on creating a greeting card. I’ve had to wait to do this (and to start my business) because I haven’t had a good enough camera to use to take pictures of my work. Now I do, so here I go! I’m sooo excited. I’m delighted to actually be doing something. Not only to be creating, but to have something to be proud of.

So I’m going to create a separate blog for my arts and crafts. It’s going to be named after my Esty shop; The Queen’s Quill. The URL for The Queen’s Quill blog is: . I hope you’ll check it out, and find it fun and useful. I would definitely love and appreciate any feedback you could offer on it! I’d love suggestions, comments, criticisms, etc. Most of all, I hope you enjoy it!

See you soon,



Mood of the Day: Tired

Word of the Day: Levity


lightness of mind, character, or behavior; lack of appropriate seriousness or earnestness.
an instance or exhibition of this.
lightness in weight.

Quote of the Day: "Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies." -Demetri Martin

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Emotions and Poetry

I’m trying not to cry. I’ve been trying not to cry for hours. I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of feeling so distant from my family. We just don’t understand each other. We don’t get along. I feel like they’re all against me. I’ve always been the bad one. I’ve always been the one that isn’t good enough. I’ve always been the one that does everything wrong. I don’t think I can survive here much longer.

Shit, here come the tears. I’m just so weary. So tired of this. What can I do? I feel so helpless; I feel so alone. What can I do? What way out do I have? God, I need a Xanax. I’m so tempted to take one. It’s very dangerous to take Xanax and drugs like Xanax when I’m on the meds I’m on. The question is, do I care? Right now I’d do just about anything to relieve this pain.

The tears stream down my cheeks. My mom would call these “crocodile tears”. I want my mommy. But she’s so against me right now. Everything I do is wrong in her eyes.

I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t need the approval of my family anymore. I’m trying to convince myself that their way of thinking is faulty. That they’re the ones that are toxic. My family says it’s me, that I’m the one that’s crazy and that I’m the one with a skewed way of thinking. But when I tell my therapists, or my psychiatrists (yes I have multiple of each) about what goes on, about what I think, they awknowledge that yes, I am mentally ill, but that it’s most likely caused by things that happened to me during my childhood. Caused by my environment, the environment I’m still stuck in.

So I walked away for a while. I’m much more calm now. I’ve been looking at some artwork (I discovered a great artisan named Kel Flowers [what a fabulous name! I’m jealous] whose custom made books are amazing), and reading some poetry, and, well, I feel better.

I think maybe my emotions are running wild because of my hormones. It’s “that time of month,” and I think that could be causing my roller-coaster emotional state as well as my severe back pain. Ah, the joys of being a woman. (I’m sure you’re dying to hear about my feminine health issues…if it bugs you, skip the next paragraph. [and perhaps grow up a bit. Hahah…totally kidding!].)

The problem with my periods are many. First of all, they’ve never been regular. I guess in a way that’s kind of a double-edged sword. On one hand it’s kinda nice to have only a few periods a year. Also, I get PMS about a week before my period which includes debilitating back pain (as in I can’t get out of bed), crazy emotional roller coaster mood swings, and pregnancy-like symptoms (things like being overly emotional, cravings, morning sickness, tender breasts, etc.). The worst part of all that is that not only do I get that for at least a week before my period, it continues during my period. So that’s 2 weeks I’m basically out of commission. So that is another reason it’s kind of a good thing

that I have irregular periods. The bad part about being irregular is that it screws up with my hormones, which when irregular can cause issues (as if I don’t have enough issues already). I don’t really know how to explain it, but when I go a long time without having a period it’s almost like I get a buildup of hormones or something that cause mood swings and such, which actually gets relieved after my period is over. (I know, totally weird.)

Anyway, enough about my feminine health. As I mentioned, I was reading poetry a bit earlier. I was looking through the website of that artist I mentioned (Kel Flowers), and she had a book that she made that was inspired by the poem “Mushrooms” by Sylvia Plath. I had never read this particular poem before, but as the book was beautiful (and the verse of the poem I could read in the pictures of the book were beautiful too), and because I love mushrooms (k…we’ve established that I’m weird, lol); I decided to look up the poem. I found it on a blog (actually looks like an interesting blog) here:

I really like how the writer of this blog displayed this poem, and added pictures, and so I’m going to post the same here. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.


By Sylvia Plath

Overnight, very
Whitely, discreetly,
Very quietly

Our toes, our noses
Take hold on the loam,
Acquire the air.

Nobody sees us,
Stops us, betrays us;
The small grains make room.

Soft fists insist on
Heaving the needles,
The leafy bedding,

Even the paving.
Our hammers, our rams,
Earless and eyeless,

Perfectly voiceless,
Widen the crannies,
Shoulder through holes. We

Diet on water,
On crumbs of shadow,
Bland-mannered, asking

Little or nothing.
So many of us!
So many of us!

We are shelves, we are
Tables, we are meek,
We are edible,

Nudgers and shovers
In spite of ourselves.
Our kind multiplies:

We shall by morning
Inherit the earth.
Our foot’s in the door.

We are shelves, we are
Tables, we are meek,
We are edible,

Nudgers and shovers
In spite of ourselves.
Our kind multiplies:

We shall by morning
Inherit the earth.
Our foot’s in the door.

Isn’t that a lovely poem? I’m in love with it. It’s definitely one of my new favorites! When doing a Google search for this poem, I also came across websites with analysis’ of the poem. Most people agreed that this poem was a metaphor for the women’s rights movement. However, some people noted that they think that “Mushrooms” is about communism in either Vietnam or China. One commentator said, “hey .... another idea..... it is known that Sylvia Plath was pregnant at the time of writing this poem. i feel this poem also depicts the coming of a new generation. 'whitely, discreetly, quietly'... what better words can you get, to describe a growing fetus!! maybe she imagined her own baby speaking to her. the poem represents the hope and future of the world - the forthcoming generation. ... or .... she may be speaking of WAR AND HATRED. remember the smoke that goes up from an explosion takes the shape of a MUSHROOM!! One commentator even likened the mushrooms in the poem to gossip. All interesting speculations. Personally I tend to lead towards the supposition that “Mushrooms” is about the women’s rights movement. Perhaps that’s romanticism on my part, but I’m sticking to it! Lol ;P

Well, it’s getting late (actually rather early for me going to bed…1AM, whereas lately I’ve been going to bed around 4-5AM or later). I think I’m either going to lay down in bed and watch tv in bed until I fall asleep, or play games on either Facebook or Anyway, I hope you are all well.



P.S. Happy Ground Hog Day!


Mood of the Day: Emotional

Word of the Day: aubade \oh-BAHD\ , noun;1. A song or poem greeting the dawn; also, a composition suggestive of morning.

Quote of the Day: "Artists create dreams for those who are awake.” – Author Unknown

Scripture of the Day: Doctrine and Covenants 64:10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

Song of the Day: “Release” by Anathema

Video of the Day: For gamers - Whitest Kids U Know: Call of Duty:

Artist of the Day: Kel Flowers -

Website of the Day: Noisebot - Funny t-shirts, hoodies, and tote bags:

How-To of the Day: Custom book binding construction by Kel Flowers -

Wikipedia of the Day: Lepidoptera is a large order of insects that includes moths and butterflies(called lepidopterans).

Blog of the Day: The Butterfly Diaries -

News Story of the Day: NARITA, Japan – A Chinese activist who has spent more than three months living inside Tokyo's international airport said Tuesday that Chinese officials have given him permission to return home.

Picture of the Day: Colours Artbook :: Pink Pink by Vanessa 1022


Image 1: .: emotional abuse :. By vinegar -

Image 2: Mich’s Book by Kel Flowers -

Image 3: Hormones by Bethstump -

Image 4: Back-lit Mushroom by Eric Meyer -

Image 5: Moldova Stamp: