Ashley's Atrium

I should change the name of this blog to “The Obsessed One”. I’m once again (or still, rather) obsessing over everything. Some of those are good, happy things, and some of them are just blah. So I guess I’ll get the blah out of the way first. I’d rather end on a happy note, when possible.

So one of my friends from UNI (the psych hospital I was in back in December) replied to an email I sent. In our correspondence Alliance House was brought up, and I was reminded that I still haven’t checked into Alliance House as it was my goal to do. Thinking about that brought up all the other goals that I made when I was in UNI that I still haven’t accomplished. I mean, some of my goals I have met, but very few compared to how many I’ve just brushed aside, or become too overwhelmed to complete. So I’m going to list my goals (the ones I remember, at least), so that I can hold myself accountable to them. Here they are:

• · Attend Family Therapy: Okay, so this is one goal I obviously can’t complete by myself. We went to one session while I was in UNI (I was absolutely shocked that my dad and brother showed up, as they swore they’d never go to a therapist. It meant so much they did!) and we’ve been to one session since. The problem is, that even though I keep trying to get my family to go to more sessions (they agreed to going to three outside of UNI), they keep making up excuses not to go. I guess with this goal I can keep trying, but in the end it’s not just up to me to meet it. If my family won’t do it, then I’m just going to have to move on.
• · Attend Individual Therapy: Okay so I’ve had a few appointments scheduled, but missed them all. Mostly because I was sick, which was a legitimate reason to miss the appointments. So why haven’t I been since? I don’t know. I keep making up excuses like, “I don’t have a ride there,” which is true, but I ought to find another way to get there. I just feel like such a burden on everyone anyway, that I hate asking for rides from people outside of my immediate family. If that weren’t bad enough, living in Farmington now, I know zero people here, and everyone I do know lives in Bountiful and south from there, so taking me somewhere would be a long process, and I don’t want to put people out. Then there’s public transportation. I wouldn’t mind taking the bus, but the nearest bus stop is at the bottom of a huge hill. Going down the hill wouldn’t be so bad, but going back up it would absolutely kill my back. *sigh* I just don’t know what to do. I guess the only thing I can do is keep trying, which I will. I haven’t given up (completely) just yet.
• · Go to Alliance House / Research AH Programs: Alliance House is a non-profit agency that supplies various programs for adults that struggle with serious mental illness. They offer things like social activities, job training, job placement, help with education, housing, etc. AH has a lot of resources that could be very beneficial to me (if I ever get off my butt and get there). They offer GED and high school diploma programs for free! I never got either. Because of my back problems I missed almost all of high school. I did what they called “home-hospital” high school, but that was an absolute joke (I won’t even get into that today because I’ll just start ranting). When I was 17 I enrolled in college, and went for a few semesters, but never got a degree or anything. I was getting high school credits as well as college credits when I was in college, but like I said, I never finished either. 10 years later, and I still don’t have a complete high school or college education. It’s really embarrassing for me to admit that. I don’t know why I never just went and took the GED test. I’m sure I’d pass it first time. I guess it’s just something I’ve put a mental block up against, and I became too scared to do it. Now I’ve got this great opportunity to finish my high school education through AH, and I just can’t pass it up. It’s high time I got my high school diploma. Now I actually made the goal with one of my doctors (the one who drove me nuts), that I would have my GED (or at least take the test) by the end of January. That’s not going to happen now. Now I could just go in and take the test before the end of January, and I’d probably pass. But here’s the thing, I just read today that people who get a GED can no longer get a high school diploma afterwards. Not that it’s that big of a deal to get a GED and not a diploma, but personally I’d rather have a diploma. I know that employers here in Utah don’t much care whether you have a GED or HS diploma, but I’ve heard from friends in other states that employers in other states do see them as different, and hire accordingly. So on the chance that someday I may live in another state (that would actually be nice), I want to get my HS diploma rather than a GED. Another cool thing about the AH diploma program is that you don’t have to do it in-class. They just give you the study materials to take home, and do at your own pace, and then go back for testing. So that’s another of my goals that I must complete!
• · Find a new spine doctor. I actually have looked into this (amazingly enough), and think I’ve found the one I’m going to go with. Previously I’ve been to the University of Utah Orthopedic Clinic (which is where I had two of my back surgeries), and they were really great. I saw Dr. Braun there, who was amazing, but a few years ago he move out-of-state, so therefore I couldn’t see him anymore. Since then I just haven’t bothered to find a new doctor. The UofU Ortho Clinic is one of the best in the country, so I figured I’d go back there. I looked up the spinal doctors currently in practice there, and decided to go with Dr. Brodke. He seems to be the best candidate, and focuses on the aspects of spinalproblems that I have.

those are just some of the things that I really need to get done. Most of it involves just making some phone calls and scheduling appointments at first. Even that is a pain though because I have to work around my family’s schedules so I can actually get places. Oh, that reminds me…something else to add to my list is to get my driver’s license reinstated. Since I haven’t had my own car (and rare access to a family members car), a couple of years ago I let my driver’s license lapse (just didn’t renew it). Now that my brother says that I can use his car if I have a license and am insured, I need to renew my license. Though then I need insurance. Argh. At one point my dad said he’d put me on his insurance and pay for it. Hopefully he’ll still go through with that.

Anyway, I should probably stop blogging, and go be productive and get things done. That’s irony for you.

Truly,

Ashley

OF THE DAY

Mood of the Day: Obsessive

Word of the Day: Erudite er·u·dite [er-yoo-dahyt, er-oo-] –adjective characterized by great knowledge; learned or scholarly: an erudite professor; an erudite commentary.

Quote of the Day: “Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again” ~ L. Frank Baum

Scripture of the Day: John 8:32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

Song of the Day: "Blue Lips" by Regina Spektor http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grHiLRgbpIY

Video of the Day: Have You Got Any Castles - An old animated short from Merrie Melodies. I remember seeing it as a child, and I loved it though it freaked me out. Enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4pdbgD5Q8Q&feature=PlayList&p=3C331F7BE15A9BDD&index=12

Artist of the Day: Celso Junior - Bright, colorful graphic art. I often have his artwork as my desktop background. http://celsojunior.deviantart.com/

Website of the Day: thredUP - a clothes-swapping website. This website is just in the beta stages, but it's an interesting concept! Trade clothes you don't wear or don't want anymore for clothes from people with the same predicament! They're just doing shirts right now, and unfortunately you don't get to pick exactly which clothing item you get (they do it for you), but they're working on changing that. Anyway, it's cool to check out! http://www.thredup.com/

How-To of the Day: I love steampunk! Modifying Welding Goggles into a Steam inspired look: http://www.instructables.com/id/Modifying-Welding-Goggles-into-a-Steam-inspired-lo/

Wikipedia of the Day: The legend of the Thousand Oragami Cranes: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thousand_origami_cranes

Blog of the Day: Freebies 2 Deals - Melea, a stay-at-home mom from Utah has a hobby of finding great deals and freebies, and shares them on her blog! I've gotten so much free stuff because of her! http://www.freebies2deals.com/

Picture of the Day: Rain Princess by Leonid Afremov

So here I am, once again resurecting my blog. This has been coming for a long time, but I just haven't sat down and actually done it. Yet another thing I've been procrastinating. Though I have to ask myself just why I'm procrastinating something like a blog. I think it's because every time I start my blog up, I get so very deeply involved, and it becomes overwhelming. My OCD starts to kick in, and I feel like I HAVE to write about anything and everything that comes
to my mind. So I'm going to try not to do that this go-round.

As we're headed into a new year, and a new decade, I'm also entering a new phase in my life. So much is changing (for the better, I hope!) in my life, and I'd like to keep track of the goings-on that I experience. I want to keep a record of my life, for myself, and perhaps for my progeny (though they might be scared to learn that they come from an ancestor such as myself!) This is something I've wanted to do for a while, though, and I'm committed to do it! I'm hoping to contribute to my blog at least a few times a week. If I don't keep up with that goal, you have my permission to smack me (softly!) upside the head.

One of the reasons I really want to start my blog again, is one of the same reasons I've used every time I've started writing a blog/journal/diary/whatever. That reason is because I NEED to. I have the need to write my thoughts down, express my feelings, and just get things down on paper (or virtual paper, as the case may be.) Another reason I have for starting up my blog again is that my therapist(s) keep telling me to journal. Therapists use "journal" as a verb. I've never met a therapist that didn't suggest journaling. The catch is, it works. The trick of it is actually doing it. Some
of the most important times to sit down and scrawl out ones feelings is when things get intense. It's when I'm most upset, sad, mad, whatever, that writing down what I'm feeling helps the most. However, most of the time, I don't feel like writing my thoughts down. I just feel like screaming, or crying, or whatever else. During those times I often try to convince myself to pause a moment and write down what I'm feeling. More often than not I'm too stubborn to do so. I'm trying to change that though, hence, this blog.

That brings me to a conundrum I'm facing. Should I be totally open and honest in this blog? Should I keep some things private, or should I just bare my soul for all to witness? Should I write down everything, and then edit my writing before posting it to my blog?

Most of the time when I've blogged I've been open about almost everything. Most of the time that was okay because most of my readers didn't know me personally. The few that did know me, well, I was okay with their knowing everything I'd written about. It happened a few times though, that people I knew came across my blog. Ocassionally
this caused some problems. For instance, my ex boyfriend found my blog, and found out that I still had feelings for him. It turned into a big drama when some of his friends got involved, and yeah...don't think it was a good thing. I mean, perhaps it was a good thing that he found out, but perhaps not.

Then there were times I wrote about things like my sexual exploits. I wasn't graphic in my writings, but I did write about such private things that I probably shouldn't have. I guess I won't have that particular problem this go 'round since I'm not sexually active. But what about other private matters? Should my life be an open book? I've actually talked to my therapist about something similar. It used to be that I was an open book. I'd tell anyone anything, if they
asked; and sometimes when they didn't. My therapist said that's not healthy, or right. I can't remember exactly how she explained it. I'll have to ask her, and post about it. (If it's okay to post about it...maybe what my therapist says it too private? lol.)

So onto other matters. You may be asking yourself (and I'm sure you're dieing to know), what this blog is going to be about. Well, the answer is, everything. My thoughts, my ramblings, my interests, and whatever else I feel like writing about. I'll write about my daily life, what I'm experiencing, how I feel, etc. I'll also post about the things I do. That may be my artwork, a new recipe I've tried, or a new project I'm working on. I'll also be writing about things that I find interesting. Things like websites I find interesting, music or films I like, and other such things. I'll also write things to you, the reader. I may start discussions with you, ask questions or advice from you, etc. I'll even be doing fun things
like contests and giveaways. I'd also like to have some "guest writers" contribute to my blog. So you see, reading my blog will not only be entertaining, but rewarding! lol. Though uhm, if that's what you're here for, schwag, well then...alrighty. It doesn't really matter to me why you read. In fact, it doesn't really matter to me IF you, or anyone else for that matter, reads this blog at all. I'm not writing this blog for someone else; I'm writing it for myself. If
others find joy, entertainment, amusement, or anything else by reading this blog (though please, no creepy reasons for reading), then that's all the better!

So off we go, into the wild blue yonder. This should be an interesting journey.

Are we having fun yet?!

-Ashley