Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Emotions and Poetry


I’m trying not to cry. I’ve been trying not to cry for hours. I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of feeling so distant from my family. We just don’t understand each other. We don’t get along. I feel like they’re all against me. I’ve always been the bad one. I’ve always been the one that isn’t good enough. I’ve always been the one that does everything wrong. I don’t think I can survive here much longer.

Shit, here come the tears. I’m just so weary. So tired of this. What can I do? I feel so helpless; I feel so alone. What can I do? What way out do I have? God, I need a Xanax. I’m so tempted to take one. It’s very dangerous to take Xanax and drugs like Xanax when I’m on the meds I’m on. The question is, do I care? Right now I’d do just about anything to relieve this pain.

The tears stream down my cheeks. My mom would call these “crocodile tears”. I want my mommy. But she’s so against me right now. Everything I do is wrong in her eyes.

I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t need the approval of my family anymore. I’m trying to convince myself that their way of thinking is faulty. That they’re the ones that are toxic. My family says it’s me, that I’m the one that’s crazy and that I’m the one with a skewed way of thinking. But when I tell my therapists, or my psychiatrists (yes I have multiple of each) about what goes on, about what I think, they awknowledge that yes, I am mentally ill, but that it’s most likely caused by things that happened to me during my childhood. Caused by my environment, the environment I’m still stuck in.

So I walked away for a while. I’m much more calm now. I’ve been looking at some artwork (I discovered a great artisan named Kel Flowers [what a fabulous name! I’m jealous] whose custom made books are amazing), and reading some poetry, and, well, I feel better.

I think maybe my emotions are running wild because of my hormones. It’s “that time of month,” and I think that could be causing my roller-coaster emotional state as well as my severe back pain. Ah, the joys of being a woman. (I’m sure you’re dying to hear about my feminine health issues…if it bugs you, skip the next paragraph. [and perhaps grow up a bit. Hahah…totally kidding!].)

The problem with my periods are many. First of all, they’ve never been regular. I guess in a way that’s kind of a double-edged sword. On one hand it’s kinda nice to have only a few periods a year. Also, I get PMS about a week before my period which includes debilitating back pain (as in I can’t get out of bed), crazy emotional roller coaster mood swings, and pregnancy-like symptoms (things like being overly emotional, cravings, morning sickness, tender breasts, etc.). The worst part of all that is that not only do I get that for at least a week before my period, it continues during my period. So that’s 2 weeks I’m basically out of commission. So that is another reason it’s kind of a good thing

that I have irregular periods. The bad part about being irregular is that it screws up with my hormones, which when irregular can cause issues (as if I don’t have enough issues already). I don’t really know how to explain it, but when I go a long time without having a period it’s almost like I get a buildup of hormones or something that cause mood swings and such, which actually gets relieved after my period is over. (I know, totally weird.)

Anyway, enough about my feminine health. As I mentioned, I was reading poetry a bit earlier. I was looking through the website of that artist I mentioned (Kel Flowers), and she had a book that she made that was inspired by the poem “Mushrooms” by Sylvia Plath. I had never read this particular poem before, but as the book was beautiful (and the verse of the poem I could read in the pictures of the book were beautiful too), and because I love mushrooms (k…we’ve established that I’m weird, lol); I decided to look up the poem. I found it on a blog (actually looks like an interesting blog) here:

http://thebutterflydiaries.wordpress.com/2009/09/05/sylvia-plaths-mushrooms/

I really like how the writer of this blog displayed this poem, and added pictures, and so I’m going to post the same here. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Mushrooms

By Sylvia Plath

Overnight, very
Whitely, discreetly,
Very quietly

Our toes, our noses
Take hold on the loam,
Acquire the air.

Nobody sees us,
Stops us, betrays us;
The small grains make room.

Soft fists insist on
Heaving the needles,
The leafy bedding,

Even the paving.
Our hammers, our rams,
Earless and eyeless,

Perfectly voiceless,
Widen the crannies,
Shoulder through holes. We

Diet on water,
On crumbs of shadow,
Bland-mannered, asking

Little or nothing.
So many of us!
So many of us!

We are shelves, we are
Tables, we are meek,
We are edible,

Nudgers and shovers
In spite of ourselves.
Our kind multiplies:

We shall by morning
Inherit the earth.
Our foot’s in the door.

We are shelves, we are
Tables, we are meek,
We are edible,

Nudgers and shovers
In spite of ourselves.
Our kind multiplies:

We shall by morning
Inherit the earth.
Our foot’s in the door.


Isn’t that a lovely poem? I’m in love with it. It’s definitely one of my new favorites! When doing a Google search for this poem, I also came across websites with analysis’ of the poem. Most people agreed that this poem was a metaphor for the women’s rights movement. However, some people noted that they think that “Mushrooms” is about communism in either Vietnam or China. One commentator said, “hey .... another idea..... it is known that Sylvia Plath was pregnant at the time of writing this poem. i feel this poem also depicts the coming of a new generation. 'whitely, discreetly, quietly'... what better words can you get, to describe a growing fetus!! maybe she imagined her own baby speaking to her. the poem represents the hope and future of the world - the forthcoming generation. ... or .... she may be speaking of WAR AND HATRED. remember the smoke that goes up from an explosion takes the shape of a MUSHROOM!! One commentator even likened the mushrooms in the poem to gossip. All interesting speculations. Personally I tend to lead towards the supposition that “Mushrooms” is about the women’s rights movement. Perhaps that’s romanticism on my part, but I’m sticking to it! Lol ;P

Well, it’s getting late (actually rather early for me going to bed…1AM, whereas lately I’ve been going to bed around 4-5AM or later). I think I’m either going to lay down in bed and watch tv in bed until I fall asleep, or play games on either Facebook or http://www.pogo.com/. Anyway, I hope you are all well.

Peace,

Ashley

P.S. Happy Ground Hog Day!


OF THE DAY

Mood of the Day: Emotional

Word of the Day: aubade \oh-BAHD\ , noun;1. A song or poem greeting the dawn; also, a composition suggestive of morning.

Quote of the Day: "Artists create dreams for those who are awake.” – Author Unknown

Scripture of the Day: Doctrine and Covenants 64:10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

Song of the Day: “Release” by Anathema http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R705gJ4P2xo

Video of the Day: For gamers - Whitest Kids U Know: Call of Duty: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2XLhVx2bk8

Artist of the Day: Kel Flowers - http://myceliae.deviantart.com/ http://www.kelfae.com/

Website of the Day: Noisebot - Funny t-shirts, hoodies, and tote bags: http://www.noisebot.com/

How-To of the Day: Custom book binding construction by Kel Flowers - http://kelfae.com/binding.html

Wikipedia of the Day: Lepidoptera is a large order of insects that includes moths and butterflies(called lepidopterans). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lepidoptera

Blog of the Day: The Butterfly Diaries - http://thebutterflydiaries.wordpress.com/

News Story of the Day: NARITA, Japan – A Chinese activist who has spent more than three months living inside Tokyo's international airport said Tuesday that Chinese officials have given him permission to return home. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100202/ap_on_re_as/as_japan_terminal_activist

Picture of the Day: Colours Artbook :: Pink Pink by Vanessa 1022 http://1022.deviantart.com/art/COLOURS-ARTBOOK-Pink-Pink-150631075






Credits:

Image 1: .: emotional abuse :. By vinegar - http://vinegar.deviantart.com/art/emotional-abuse-16707591

Image 2: Mich’s Book by Kel Flowers - http://kelfae.com/images/kfmflowers_michsm.jpg

Image 3: Hormones by Bethstump - http://vinegar.deviantart.com/art/emotional-abuse-16707591

Image 4: Back-lit Mushroom by Eric Meyer - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Backlit_mushroom.jpg

Image 5: Moldova Stamp: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Stamp_of_Moldova_364.gif

4 Comments:

  1. Ara said...
    I'm so sorry to hear you're having a rough time. Some times I have days like that too, and I just have to keep my main goal, whatever that might be, in mind and just keep telling myself that no one can stop me from getting what I want and I have to keep telling myself that I don't care what other people think, I have to do whatever I have to do so that I am happy.
    QueenQuill said...
    Thanks so much for your kind words, Ara. It really means a lot to have such encouragement. Thank you. *HUGS*
    Tre said...
    Hi Ashley,
    I'm sorry I've been out of contact for so long. I'm also sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I am too, and while I can't know what you're going through, I am here if you need someone to talk to or somewhere to go.

    I think of you almost every day and remember your calm and loving demeanor and I strive to be more like you. I always keep the picture you drew and gave to me nearby and pull it out when I need to feel hope and light. Thank you again for the beautiful gift and for the difference you've made in my life.

    Please don't hesitate to call me any time of the night or day if you want to talk - I rarely sleep and am not working, so I have a lot of free time on my hands. My number is 801-201-4820. Or, if you want to meet somewhere to talk or have some lunch, I'd love that too.

    Please take care of yourself and know that I'm thinking of and praying for you.

    Teresa
    thebutterflydiaries said...
    Hi Ashley,

    Thank you for nominating my blog for your pick of the day.

    I'm so glad you enjoyed this poem of Sylvia Plath and found it on my blog site.

    I am sorry to hear of your tough times. I do hope your health improves and your fortune turns favourable.

    All the very best of good wishes to you from across the world, ( Pune, India to be exact).

    Remember, you are not alone. In small ways, like the hidden mushrooms of Sylvia Plath, people care and one day, the world WILL be a better place.

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