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Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I should change the name of this blog to “The Obsessed One”. I’m once again (or still, rather) obsessing over everything. Some of those are good, happy things, and some of them are just blah. So I guess I’ll get the blah out of the way first. I’d rather end on a happy note, when possible.
So one of my friends from UNI (the psych hospital I was in back in December) replied to an email I sent. In our correspondence Alliance House was brought up, and I was reminded that I still haven’t checked into Alliance House as it was my goal to do. Thinking about that brought up all the other goals that I made when I was in UNI that I still haven’t accomplished. I mean, some of my goals I have met, but very few compared to how many I’ve just brushed aside, or become too overwhelmed to complete. So I’m going to list my goals (the ones I remember, at least), so that I can hold myself accountable to them. Here they are:
- · Attend Family Therapy: Okay, so this is one goal I obviously can’t complete by myself. We went to one session while I was in UNI (I was absolutely shocked that my dad and brother showed up, as they swore they’d never go to a therapist. It meant so much they did!) and we’ve been to one session since. The problem is, that even though I keep trying to get my family to go to more sessions (they agreed to going to three outside of UNI), they keep making up excuses not to go. I guess with this goal I can keep trying, but in the end it’s not just up to me to meet it. If my family won’t do it, then I’m just going to have to move on.
- · Attend Individual Therapy: Okay so I’ve had a few appointments scheduled, but missed them all. Mostly because I was sick, which was a legitimate reason to miss the appointments. So why haven’t I been since? I don’t know. I keep making up excuses like, “I don’t have a ride there,” which is true, but I ought to find another way to get there. I just feel like such a burden on everyone anyway, that I hate asking for rides from people outside of my immediate family. If that weren’t bad enough, living in Farmington now, I know zero people here, and everyone I do know lives in Bountiful and south from there, so taking me somewhere would be a long process, and I don’t want to put people out. Then there’s public transportation. I wouldn’t mind taking the bus, but the nearest bus stop is at the bottom of a huge hill. Going down the hill wouldn’t be so bad, but going back up it would absolutely kill my back. *sigh* I just don’t know what to do. I guess the only thing I can do is keep trying, which I will. I haven’t given up (completely) just yet.
- · Go to Alliance House / Research AH Programs: Alliance House is a non-profit agency that supplies various programs for adults that struggle with serious mental illness. They offer things like social activities, job training, job placement, help with education, housing, etc. AH has a lot of resources that could be very beneficial to me (if I ever get off my butt and get there). They offer GED and high school diploma programs for free! I never got either. Because of my back problems I missed almost all of high school. I did what they called “home-hospital” high school, but that was an absolute joke (I won’t even get into that today because I’ll just start ranting). When I was 17 I enrolled in college, and went for a few semesters, but never got a degree or anything. I was getting high school credits as well as college credits when I was in college, but like I said, I never finished either. 10 years later, and I still don’t have a complete high school or college education. It’s really embarrassing for me to admit that. I don’t know why I never just went and took the GED test. I’m sure I’d pass it first time. I guess it’s just something I’ve put a mental block up against, and I became too scared to do it. Now I’ve got this great opportunity to finish my high school education through AH, and I just can’t pass it up. It’s high time I got my high school diploma. Now I actually made the goal with one of my doctors (the one who drove me nuts), that I would have my GED (or at least take the test) by the end of January. That’s not going to happen now. Now I could just go in and take the test before the end of January, and I’d probably pass. But here’s the thing, I just read today that people who get a GED can no longer get a high school diploma afterwards. Not that it’s that big of a deal to get a GED and not a diploma, but personally I’d rather have a diploma. I know that employers here in Utah don’t much care whether you have a GED or HS diploma, but I’ve heard from friends in other states that employers in other states do see them as different, and hire accordingly. So on the chance that someday I may live in another state (that would actually be nice), I want to get my HS diploma rather than a GED. Another cool thing about the AH diploma program is that you don’t have to do it in-class. They just give you the study materials to take home, and do at your own pace, and then go back for testing. So that’s another of my goals that I must complete!
- · Find a new spine doctor. I actually have looked into this (amazingly enough), and think I’ve found the one I’m going to go with. Previously I’ve been to the University of Utah Orthopedic Clinic (which is where I had two of my back surgeries), and they were really great. I saw Dr. Braun there, who was amazing, but a few years ago he move out-of-state, so therefore I couldn’t see him anymore. Since then I just haven’t bothered to find a new doctor. The UofU Ortho Clinic is one of the best in the country, so I figured I’d go back there. I looked up the spinal doctors currently in practice there, and decided to go with Dr. Brodke. He seems to be the best candidate, and focuses on the aspects of spinalproblems that I have.
those are just some of the things that I really need to get done. Most of it involves just making some phone calls and scheduling appointments at first. Even that is a pain though because I have to work around my family’s schedules so I can actually get places. Oh, that reminds me…something else to add to my list is to get my driver’s license reinstated. Since I haven’t had my own car (and rare access to a family members car), a couple of years ago I let my driver’s license lapse (just didn’t renew it). Now that my brother says that I can use his car if I have a license and am insured, I need to renew my license. Though then I need insurance. Argh. At one point my dad said he’d put me on his insurance and pay for it. Hopefully he’ll still go through with that.
Anyway, I should probably stop blogging, and go be productive and get things done. That’s irony for you.
Truly,
Ashley
OF THE DAY
Mood of the Day: Obsessive
Word of the Day: Erudite er·u·dite [er-yoo-dahyt, er-oo-] –adjective characterized by great knowledge; learned or scholarly: an erudite professor; an erudite commentary.
Quote of the Day: “Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again” ~ L. Frank Baum
Scripture of the Day: John 8:32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
Song of the Day: "Blue Lips" by Regina Spektor http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grHiLRgbpIY
Video of the Day: Have You Got Any Castles - An old animated short from Merrie Melodies. I remember seeing it as a child, and I loved it though it freaked me out. Enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4pdbgD5Q8Q&feature=PlayList&p=3C331F7BE15A9BDD&index=12
Artist of the Day: Celso Junior - Bright, colorful graphic art. I often have his artwork as my desktop background. http://celsojunior.deviantart.com/
Website of the Day: thredUP - a clothes-swapping website. This website is just in the beta stages, but it's an interesting concept! Trade clothes you don't wear or don't want anymore for clothes from people with the same predicament! They're just doing shirts right now, and unfortunately you don't get to pick exactly which clothing item you get (they do it for you), but they're working on changing that. Anyway, it's cool to check out! http://www.thredup.com/
How-To of the Day: I love steampunk! Modifying Welding Goggles into a Steam inspired look: http://www.instructables.com/id/Modifying-Welding-Goggles-into-a-Steam-inspired-lo/
Wikipedia of the Day: The legend of the Thousand Oragami Cranes: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thousand_origami_cranes
Blog of the Day: Freebies 2 Deals - Melea, a stay-at-home mom from Utah has a hobby of finding great deals and freebies, and shares them on her blog! I've gotten so much free stuff because of her! http://www.freebies2deals.com/
Picture of the Day: Rain Princess by Leonid Afremov
Friday, January 22, 2010
I'm trying desperately not to become overwhelmed (yet again.) Things are so crazy in my life right now, but then again, when are they not crazy? I guess crazy lives go hand in hand with crazy people?
There's so much that I want to do right now, so much that I want to accomplish, but once my mind starts going, it starts going a million miles a minute, and like I said, I become overwhelmed. It doesn't help that my ADD and OCD are raging right now. Or perhaps one is a product of the other. Maybe I'm so overwhelmed because my ADD and OCD are going off the charts, or perhaps my ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) are in overdrive because I'm so overwhelmed. Either way, it's a vicious circle.
Something that has become a dangerous trigger for me over the past several days is looking at deviantart.com. Don't get me wrong, it's probably my favorite website, but it sets me into a crazy cycle. I'll start looking at artwork, and become absolutely obsessed with it. I can't just sit down and enjoy the artwork for what it is (I so wish I could). I look at it, and my brain starts going. I start getting inspired to create my own artwork, so I start thinking about what I could create. Then I start thinking about my own inadequacies as an artist, and start to feel disappointed and down because my own artwork could never be as good as whatever artist's work I happen to be looking at. So I start thinking about improving my skill by taking classes, or reading books, or reading or watching tutorials, or whatever. It leads to more and more obsessing until I feel like I am going to explode.
The other thing about deviantART is that on profile pages it shows favorites of the person whose profile it is. So then I start looking at that artwork and reading about that artist, and then that artist has favorites, so I start looking at their favorites, and once again I get obsessive, and it never ends. I spend hours upon hours doing this, until I literally collapse. (Usually by the time I'm to this point I should have been in bed hours previously, so the collapse is usually into bed.)
It's such cycles and obsessions that lead me to be overwhelmed, and unproductive. It doesn't matter how many intentions I have to being productive, in creating my own artwork or whatever the case may be, I just never get to it. That is because by the time I actually get around to actually accomplishing something, I'm far too tired, and far too overwhelmed and drained of energy to do anything but lay in bed and sleep, or watch TV. That leads to feelings of guilt because I'm not accomplishing anything, and in being unaccomplished I'm letting myself, and others down.
This problem has been even worse over the past month, since my doctors changed up my meds. These symptoms have increased a hundred fold, and I don't know how much longer I can handle it. I tried talking to my psychiatrist about the problem, but, well, I've found that psychiatrists don't particularly care to listen to their patients. They have such God-complexes that they think that they know everything, and that I, as a patient, know nothing. It pisses me off, but what can I do? I'm at their mercy. I'd switch psychiatrists, but I've seen three in the past month, and they, and others I've seen in the past, are all the same. I don't know. I guess I'll tell my psychiatrist once again about how severe the problem is getting, and hope he'll listen this time. I do understand that he wants me to hold out for a while to see if the meds I'm on will work for me, but I don't know that I can survive it in the meantime. I'm going crazy here (okay, crazier, but still)! Maybe I'll ask him if he'll put me back on Strattera, an ADD med that I used to take that used to help quite a bit. I stopped taking it because I couldn't afford it anymore, and because I wasn't in school or working I didn't have to have it. I'm on a new prescription plan though, so I should be able to afford the med now. Hopefully I can get back on it, and it will help. I'll cross my fingers.
One of the worst things I've realized in all of this, is that I think taking pain medications really helped dull the effects of my ADD and OCD. Opioids basically slow down brain function, and dulls everything. I think that's how I've been able to survive the effects of such severe ADD and OCD, because for the past 5 years I haven't been feeling the effects so bad. Maybe that's why the
effects now feel so much worse than they used to before I was on constant pain meds. This kind of scares me though, because it makes me want (or even feel like I need) to go back on my pain meds, not only for my pain (which is increasingly severe, I'm afraid), but to dull the effects of ADD and OCD once again. The problem with that is not only that that's not what pain medicines should be used for (though obviously if that were the only reason I had to take pain meds, I never would have), but that pain meds had so many bad side effects (addiction, dependency, damage to internal organs, bad effects to brain function, etc.) Also, it's been nice not being on pain meds for a few reasons such as having more energy, feeling like my mind is clearer, etc. I think I just need to find a happy balance somewhere. I just hope that it's possible to have a balance, and if there is, that I can find it. I pray that whatever the case is, that I can just get better. I don't know if I can handle it if I don't.
Oh, and before I forget, I did want to mention that today when browsing deviantART I discovered an AMAZING artist named Nicole West. She is a fantasy artist that works in polymer clay. Her sculptures are some of the best I've seen, and of course in my favorite genre, fantasy. You can view her work here:
Or on deviantART here:
Or on MySpace here:
Well, I think I'm going to go find something to eat. Probably yogurt...I've been eating yogurt for two meals a day most days, which is really bad (for me), but it's yummy and doesn't require effort. I think in the months leading up to my gastric bypass surgery when I was losing quite a bit of weight on my own that eating yogurt with probiotics at least once a day really helped not only regulate my system, but I think it helped a lot with weight loss too. I can't recommend yogurt enough (I love Activia personally) not only for weight loss, but for overall health. Which reminds me, I need to post some information that people have requested via my weight loss, and how I've lost so much (5 more pounds and I've lost 100 pounds!) I've got a lot of tips and tricks that people are interested in, and rightly so, and I just need to write them out. (Oh yay, something else to do. LOL)
So...I'm going to grab my foodish stuffs, plop myself down in front of the computer again, and veg out playing stupid Facebook games to relax a while, then I'm going to go to bed. Ugh...it's a quarter after 5AM and I'm only now contemplating going to bed. Just goes to show how much my sleeping schedule is messed up. Anyway, I hope everyone is well. Peace.
Regards,
Ashley
P.S. I'm still working on my entry/story/report for No Pants 2010. It's turned into quite the story (though it's quite amusing, if I do say so myself), but I'll be posting it soon! (Though it's become yet another source of stress and being overwhelmed as I'm trying to get it done, and it keeps growing and turning into more...blah.)
P.P.S. I used to do the "Friday Five" (http://community.livejournal.com/thefridayfive) on my old blog, so I thought I'd do it again here. Seeing that it's Friday, it's once again time for the Friday Five.
Friday Five
Villians.
1. What's your name or alias? The Dark Queen
2. What are your abilities? Shapeshifting and Mind Control.
3. What's your main goal as an all-powerful villain? To take over the world, one mind at a time.
4. By what means do you go about trying to accomplish this? Subtly brainwashing people to do my bidding.
5. What's your fatal flaw or weakness? Over-confidence.
BONUS: Describe or draw your preferred villainous attire.
Dark crimson and black pvc/latex with a lace-up bustier/corset, a long full skirt that's open in the front, revealing cheeky boy-shorts, thigh-high crimson and black striped stockings held up with a garter belt, over-the-knee lace-up stiletto leather boots, gobs of jewelry in black diamonds and rubies, black and crimson hair held up with gem-encrusted pins, dramatic dark makeup, holding a gem-encrusted scepter, all topped off by a queenly crown. (Okay, now I definitely have to draw this!)
P.P.P.S. I'm initiating something in my blog that I used to do in previous blogs. I call it "Of the Day." It includes various things from moods to songs to websites that either fit my day, or that I found interesting that day and wanted to share. I'm not sure if I should put it at the beginning or ending of my blog (I used to put it at the beginning of each blog entry, but I think that might distract people and take them away from reading my blog.) What do you think? Either way, enjoy.
OF THE DAY
Mood of the Day: Overwhelmed
Word of the Day: Lagniappe (pronounced /ˈlænjæp/, LAN-yap) is a small gift given to a customer by a merchant at the time of a purchase (such as a 13th donut when buying a dozen), or more broadly, "something given or obtained gratuitously or by way of good measure." The word is chiefly used in the Gulf Coast of the United States, especially Louisiana.
Quote of the Day: "And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." - Sylvia Plath
Scripture of the Day: Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?
Song of the Day: "Strawberry Gashes" by Jack Off Jill - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CNbik4YCeI
Video of the Day: Amazing huge model RC plane - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmKdA6L_MWk
Artist of the Day: Nicole West - http://www.pbase.com/nicolewest
Website of the Day: http://www.swap-bot.com/ - The easiest way to create and join swaps on the Internet.
Blog of the Day: All Things Crafty - http://mieljolie.blogspot.com/
Picture of the Day: Ariel and Flounder by Claire Lena McKinley - http://meirou.deviantart.com/art/Ariel-and-Flounder-120588501
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Getting Ready for No Pants Subway Ride 2010 - Salt Lake City
9 comments Posted by QueenQuill at 2:07 PMCurrent Mood: Anticipatory
Song of the Day: The Rockafeller Skank by Fatboy Slim (Dunno why, but I've had this song in my head all day!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmsTwQb1csc
Quote of the Day: "Trying is having the intention to fail. You have to just say ‘do it.’" - From the movie "I Love You Man"
Tomorrow (Sunday, January 10, 2009) is the No Pants subway ride event for Improv Everywhere. Once again I'm coordinating/hosting the event in Salt Lake City. This will be the third year that Salt Lake City has participated, and the third year that I've hosted it! To read more about the event, see our Facebook event page here:
I do have some concerns about this years event, however. First of all, I'm still terribly sick with tracheal bronchitis! Blah! I was sick for last years event, but somehow managed to survive. It's not the smartest thing to do when you're sick (it's not exactly a smart thing to do when you're healthy either, lol), but boy will it be fun! I'm not looking forward to standing outside freezing to death in my skivvies, breathing in the lovely inversion air. Ah well, it's worth it for the hilarity that shall ensue!
My second concern about this years event is that it falls on a Sunday. Sunday's in Utah are notoriously quiet. That's because so many people here keep the Sabbath day holy (I usually do too, but I'm making an exception for No Pants [wow...I'm going to hell in a hand basket! lol].) So there won't be as many participants I'm sure, and there won't be as many spectators. But as I told our agents (we call the participants in Improv Everywhere/Improv SLC secret agents), think of how funny it will be if the majority of the people on the TRAX train cars aren't wearing pants! I can only imagine what the innocent bystanders will think! Their reactions are priceless, and make everything worth it!
I even went out and bought some new clothing for the event. Since I've lost 90 pounds since last years event, none of my boy-short undies (which cover more) fit anymore. So I went out and bought some new ones that do fit (black with lace trim at the bottom), as well as some nylons to wear underneath (I got some flesh-colored ones that make it look like I don't have any on - but they sure help with the cold!) I also bought some cute trouser socks, because layers help keep the cold out! Oh! I also got some super cute "smokey" eyeshadow. Really pretty grays, blacks, and whites. It'll definitely look good with what I'm wearing! I'm sure I'll be in tons of pictures, so I'll post some after the event!
So what else do I have to do? You name it, and it's on my "To Do" list. I need to finish applying for Social Security Disability (they seem to be asking for the same information over and over again, just in different formats...ugh, that's the government for you!) Then I have a gazillion doctors appointments this month (speaking of which, I need to write out some notes regarding what to ask the doctors about.) I need to finish unpacking my stuff and setting up my room as I've lived in our new house since October, and am still living mostly out of boxes! The thing that makes it difficult is that my room is tiny, and overflowing with boxes, so there's nowhere to move anything to. That, and I can't move the boxes by myself because of my back, so I have to wait until it's convienient for someone else to help me (which is rarely.) Mixed in with all of that, I may go to California to visit a friend next Wednesday. It would only be a day trip, but I've been wanting to go and see her forever! I fly free because my mom works for an airlines, so why not use that benefit? I don't use it very often (maybe once a year) because I don't have any money to do anything once I get to a destination, so what's the point?
A more short-term "to-do" is to get ahold of the media for No Pants. Usually we don't inform the media, and they show up anyway. I figure this year I'll get ahold of them first, and put in some requests for them and how they should behave to help the event go off smootly. It's always interesting to see how the media portrays this event! Here's a page with some links to some of the media coverage of No Pants 2k8:
Alright, so I just took a time out from blogging to send off letters to the media. Yay, all done with that! I can now check it off my list. I'm a bit late in doing this, but oh well, at least I got it done! It's definitely one of my resolutions to complete things, and complete them on time (though finishing anything at all is amazing for me!)
Anyway, I'm going to go lay down and get some much needed rest. While I was out I rented the movie Penelope, which I have really been looking forward to seeing. I'll let you know how it is!
Kindest Regards,
Ashley
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