Ashley's Atrium

I'm trying desperately not to become overwhelmed (yet again.) Things are so crazy in my life right now, but then again, when are they not crazy? I guess crazy lives go hand in hand with crazy people?

There's so much that I want to do right now, so much that I want to accomplish, but once my mind starts going, it starts going a million miles a minute, and like I said, I become overwhelmed. It doesn't help that my ADD and OCD are raging right now. Or perhaps one is a product of the other. Maybe I'm so overwhelmed because my ADD and OCD are going off the charts, or perhaps my ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) are in overdrive because I'm so overwhelmed. Either way, it's a vicious circle.

Something that has become a dangerous trigger for me over the past several days is looking at deviantart.com. Don't get me wrong, it's probably my favorite website, but it sets me into a crazy cycle. I'll start looking at artwork, and become absolutely obsessed with it. I can't just sit down and enjoy the artwork for what it is (I so wish I could). I look at it, and my brain starts going. I start getting inspired to create my own artwork, so I start thinking about what I could create. Then I start thinking about my own inadequacies as an artist, and start to feel disappointed and down because my own artwork could never be as good as whatever artist's work I happen to be looking at. So I start thinking about improving my skill by taking classes, or reading books, or reading or watching tutorials, or whatever. It leads to more and more obsessing until I feel like I am going to explode.

The other thing about deviantART is that on profile pages it shows favorites of the person whose profile it is. So then I start looking at that artwork and reading about that artist, and then that artist has favorites, so I start looking at their favorites, and once again I get obsessive, and it never ends. I spend hours upon hours doing this, until I literally collapse. (Usually by the time I'm to this point I should have been in bed hours previously, so the collapse is usually into bed.)

It's such cycles and obsessions that lead me to be overwhelmed, and unproductive. It doesn't matter how many intentions I have to being productive, in creating my own artwork or whatever the case may be, I just never get to it. That is because by the time I actually get around to actually accomplishing something, I'm far too tired, and far too overwhelmed and drained of energy to do anything but lay in bed and sleep, or watch TV. That leads to feelings of guilt because I'm not accomplishing anything, and in being unaccomplished I'm letting myself, and others down.

This problem has been even worse over the past month, since my doctors changed up my meds. These symptoms have increased a hundred fold, and I don't know how much longer I can handle it. I tried talking to my psychiatrist about the problem, but, well, I've found that psychiatrists don't particularly care to listen to their patients. They have such God-complexes that they think that they know everything, and that I, as a patient, know nothing. It pisses me off, but what can I do? I'm at their mercy. I'd switch psychiatrists, but I've seen three in the past month, and they, and others I've seen in the past, are all the same. I don't know. I guess I'll tell my psychiatrist once again about how severe the problem is getting, and hope he'll listen this time. I do understand that he wants me to hold out for a while to see if the meds I'm on will work for me, but I don't know that I can survive it in the meantime. I'm going crazy here (okay, crazier, but still)! Maybe I'll ask him if he'll put me back on Strattera, an ADD med that I used to take that used to help quite a bit. I stopped taking it because I couldn't afford it anymore, and because I wasn't in school or working I didn't have to have it. I'm on a new prescription plan though, so I should be able to afford the med now. Hopefully I can get back on it, and it will help. I'll cross my fingers.

One of the worst things I've realized in all of this, is that I think taking pain medications really helped dull the effects of my ADD and OCD. Opioids basically slow down brain function, and dulls everything. I think that's how I've been able to survive the effects of such severe ADD and OCD, because for the past 5 years I haven't been feeling the effects so bad. Maybe that's why the

effects now feel so much worse than they used to before I was on constant pain meds. This kind of scares me though, because it makes me want (or even feel like I need) to go back on my pain meds, not only for my pain (which is increasingly severe, I'm afraid), but to dull the effects of ADD and OCD once again. The problem with that is not only that that's not what pain medicines should be used for (though obviously if that were the only reason I had to take pain meds, I never would have), but that pain meds had so many bad side effects (addiction, dependency, damage to internal organs, bad effects to brain function, etc.) Also, it's been nice not being on pain meds for a few reasons such as having more energy, feeling like my mind is clearer, etc. I think I just need to find a happy balance somewhere. I just hope that it's possible to have a balance, and if there is, that I can find it. I pray that whatever the case is, that I can just get better. I don't know if I can handle it if I don't.

Oh, and before I forget, I did want to mention that today when browsing deviantART I discovered an AMAZING artist named Nicole West. She is a fantasy artist that works in polymer clay. Her sculptures are some of the best I've seen, and of course in my favorite genre, fantasy. You can view her work here:

Or on deviantART here:

Or on MySpace here:

Well, I think I'm going to go find something to eat. Probably yogurt...I've been eating yogurt for two meals a day most days, which is really bad (for me), but it's yummy and doesn't require effort. I think in the months leading up to my gastric bypass surgery when I was losing quite a bit of weight on my own that eating yogurt with probiotics at least once a day really helped not only regulate my system, but I think it helped a lot with weight loss too. I can't recommend yogurt enough (I love Activia personally) not only for weight loss, but for overall health. Which reminds me, I need to post some information that people have requested via my weight loss, and how I've lost so much (5 more pounds and I've lost 100 pounds!) I've got a lot of tips and tricks that people are interested in, and rightly so, and I just need to write them out. (Oh yay, something else to do. LOL)

So...I'm going to grab my foodish stuffs, plop myself down in front of the computer again, and veg out playing stupid Facebook games to relax a while, then I'm going to go to bed. Ugh...it's a quarter after 5AM and I'm only now contemplating going to bed. Just goes to show how much my sleeping schedule is messed up. Anyway, I hope everyone is well. Peace.

Regards,

Ashley

P.S. I'm still working on my entry/story/report for No Pants 2010. It's turned into quite the story (though it's quite amusing, if I do say so myself), but I'll be posting it soon! (Though it's become yet another source of stress and being overwhelmed as I'm trying to get it done, and it keeps growing and turning into more...blah.)

P.P.S. I used to do the "Friday Five" (http://community.livejournal.com/thefridayfive) on my old blog, so I thought I'd do it again here. Seeing that it's Friday, it's once again time for the Friday Five.

P.P.P.S. I'm initiating something in my blog that I used to do in previous blogs. I call it "Of the Day." It includes various things from moods to songs to websites that either fit my day, or that I found interesting that day and wanted to share. I'm not sure if I should put it at the beginning or ending of my blog (I used to put it at the beginning of each blog entry, but I think that might distract people and take them away from reading my blog.) What do you think? Either way, enjoy.

Mood of the Day: Overwhelmed

Word of the Day: Lagniappe (pronounced /ˈlænjæp/, LAN-yap) is a small gift given to a customer by a merchant at the time of a purchase (such as a 13th donut when buying a dozen), or more broadly, "something given or obtained gratuitously or by way of good measure." The word is chiefly used in the Gulf Coast of the United States, especially Louisiana.

Quote of the Day: "And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." - Sylvia Plath

Scripture of the Day: Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Song of the Day: "Strawberry Gashes" by Jack Off Jill - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CNbik4YCeI

Video of the Day: Amazing huge model RC plane - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmKdA6L_MWk

Artist of the Day: Nicole West - http://www.pbase.com/nicolewest

Website of the Day: http://www.swap-bot.com/ - The easiest way to create and join swaps on the Internet.

Blog of the Day: All Things Crafty - http://mieljolie.blogspot.com/

Picture of the Day: Ariel and Flounder by Claire Lena McKinley - http://meirou.deviantart.com/art/Ariel-and-Flounder-120588501